Trust Issues

I lost some things during my struggle with cancer. I lost faith in the medical practitioners who I trusted to help me survive a large tumor growing out of control in my abdomen. My growing frustration lead me to start asking questions that didn't have easy answers. They removed tissue that the oncologist insisted had cancer but when the tissue was tested it came back with no cancerous cells. Now they insisted that the tumor, some lymph nodes and the left kidney needed to be removed. The surgery would leave me with a large set of scars running from the pubis to the top of my chest. I looked up a picture and shuddered when I saw it. As i started looking for alternatives, I turned my trust to a Dr. Gerson who devised a therapy to cure cancer. His methods are relatively simple but require faith and trust. I continued to be tested and the results showed that I was getting better and the tumor was shrinking. The problem came when the surgeon and oncologist refused to acknowledge that the treatment was working and insisted that I would die if I refused the surgery.

During my interview with Adobe, I've been asked several questions and I feel like I'm doing well. He has sandy blonde hair and looks to be a man in his early 30's. He looks up at me and asks if I have some writing samples he can review. I hand him a writing sample to peruse and after a few minutes,he asks, "how do I know these writing samples are really yours?" I don't know what to say, he questions my integrity? I confirm that these documents are indeed my work. I wonder to myself if I'm going to need a notary public. This question was asked in another interview from another interview with Venafi. The

Why so angry I want to curse

Do you ever feel the desire to curse someone? It steals your peace and makes you frown and feel badly?

I feel like there is no other way but to say the name I hate the most and to you I say go to hell.

Meet you there, but then I'd rather not his anger his feelings must change I pray and I I set up my mind but it still remains the effect--I am still angry, I go quiet and peaceful and then it rages.

Sitting alone in my space I am alone the chair beckons me to return, take my place. I can't breathe, I can't eat, my life, hopeless. I have lost my dream.

Turning inward, I see visions  of far away places  Skies that are clear and some, full of stars. I go inward deeper, until I can't hear anything but the steady rhythm of life.

Gaining Traction

I will return to work as a Senior Information Developer on January 4, 2016. I am grateful for the 3 month contract. I will continue searching for longer term employment.

I'm gaining traction. It has been 1 month since I felt the tumor in my abdomen. I have been going to bed at 9:30 pm and waking up at 5-6 am for a month. I find it interesting how my body cues me when it is time for sleep. I feel my mind slowly wind down, my muscles relax and there is the peaceful bliss waiting for me. As it comes time to wake up around 5 am, I can feel my body temperature rise. My mind starts to wind up into gear and I start recounting for what I am grateful. First off, I really like waking up in a warm space. I like how my feet feel touching the soft carpeted floor. I'm usually thirsty so I enjoy a glass of water and find myself thinking about how good the water tastes. I look in the bathroom mirror and I try to laugh at whatever goofy style my hair has been set during the night. Sometimes, I'm tempted to let it stay but I pick up a comb and put it all back into place. Nothing is quite so wonderful as a shower. I whisper thank you for the option to take it as cold or as hot as I like. I recall the times during winter that I showered with cold water in a freezing cold bathroom. When I turned the water on, the pipes crackled as they broke the ice. I worked up a sweat before showering and as the water hit me, the space would fog up. I am grateful for health; Gerson Therapy works. This is a good day to live.

Challenges of Living with Cancer

My dentist, Eric Vogel died a few weeks ago. Cancer formed in his jaw. He underwent rounds of chemotherapy,  surgeries but the cancer kept coming back. He was a gifted dentist, he worked fast and efficient. While I was undergoing my own struggle with chemo treatments, he prayed and stood up for me. We had conversations over the telephone and helped calm my fears and inspired me to hope. When I was down, his concern and love was touching. He reassured me that it was worth the effort and time to find a way to heal. The long sleepless nights, restless days.

I check for signs the cancer is returning. The tumor is still felt in my back at times. It is a little lump that raises when I feel stressed, angry or sad. While running, I notice the tumor recedes.

Work out until I pass out

Assisted stretching hurts A LOT. I found my primal scream while being pulled, stretched and massaged over the past year. As I continue to attend fitness classes, I thank those beautiful instructors that get up and encourage me to push myself despite the pain. As I grimace, pass gas and push my limited volume of oxygen (VO2) to the point I almost pass out.

I celebrate when I feel a small improvement in flexibility in my lumbar spine. I am grateful that a tumor in my back continues to shrink and as it does so, it removes the choke hold on my lower back. I am grateful that I find it easier to stand up straight and that I can sit at a chair without pain.

Finding my Courage

I have been searching for my courage. The will to write that novel that I know that I could, go out on my own to establish my business, LogIntuit. Fulfill my destiny. In the past 7 months, no one will hire me. I have applied for over a 100 jobs, interviewed dozens of times but the door is closed again and again.

Recently, I wrote a 560 word article about a bowling alley that will be published in a local paper and did it for free. I feel exhilarated, excited and can't wait to write another article. I don't care if I get paid, I just need to write. It is a fire that will not be ignored. I can't sit still, I twitch with a nervous tick as ideas desire to be recorded. I wrote another article today, The Confidence to Network. I think it is good writing.

I suppose it has always been in my blood to write. I remember as a five year old hoarding paper. I would gather all of the paper I could find in the house, in boxes, drawers and collect it in my room. I taught myself to write in cursive lettering before I started kindergarten. I began writing before I learned to read. It was just in my psyche that I had something to record.

The tumor has began a new stage. I can feel it in my back, it aches sometimes like it is communicating with me. What is it saying? It seems to be teaching me who I really am and what I need to be doing. It swells, aches or recedes as I behave in certain ways. I have some wonderful stories that need to be told. Sometimes I hear them talking among themselves plotting how to escape from my head. Maybe they have found a way to get me to humble myself, take a space of time to rethink what I am going to do. No one is certain that it is going to work, it is so risky--I might die. The tumor continues to respond to food choices, emotions, thoughts. It seems to get better when I act or behave in a certain way and it grows irate when I choose poorly. It's feedback is clear.

Am I Cancer Free?

Most of us get sick with a flu, cold or some other ailment. It has a clear cycle and eventually, we move on. As I continue to juice fresh fruit and vegetables, exercise and monitor a tumor, I ask myself if I still have cancer? The blood tests would report that I have normal levels but there is still a small tissue mass that swells and recedes. As I stay away from processed foods and GMO the tumor continues to recede. You might think it is crazy that I can actually feel a tumor swell when I eat foods that contain GMO but I can say I have enough empirical evidence to ignore your doubt. I won't get in your face and draw skull and crossbones on food items with GMO ingredients. I deal with conflicted feelings. Do I have cancer? I suppose I do. It isn't a disability, it just motivates me to eat healthier, exercise and keep swimming.

My Wall teams with life

I found a few pieces left over from some crafting project. I mounted two apples, 4 bees and 2 dragonflies on my wall. I have both loved and feared bees growing up. I marvel at what they can accomplish. They build a home, collect food and store it and because of their efforts I can enjoy a sandwich made with butter and honey. I love apples. Apples have been a main ingredient in my juicing regimen to shrink a tumor for the past year and a half. I used to climb trees and pick them while green and loved the sour taste and later the sweetest apples ever when they peaked in ripeness. I've watched in wonder as dragonflies buzz by and seen some wonderful aerial acrobatics as they pass to and fro. They are arrayed in so many beautiful colors.

I'm continue to look for things that inspire joy and put it on the wall. I am looking for ladybugs. I admire their strength and beauty. As I continue to organize and tidy my space. I look for how each thing fits in with what I want to do and accomplish. I checked the tumor this morning and it has shifted to left and has receded.

Emoting and Healing from Cancer

For the past few weeks I've felt the need for release, a good cry. The build up, the aching sore feelings that eventually turns into emptiness. I never realized how much sorrow and grieving are a necessary part of healing. It is not possible to feel joy or recognize the tender mercies the good lord has bestowed. I begin to wonder about things I never considered before. I begin to question why I'm still alive and if I should be? I start to think that maybe my role has been spent.

As I ponder and meditate, I've seen a blank wall, the lone hill, the grim reaper, being shot in the heart. I tore down the rest of my dream board and burned it.

Today, I cried a little. Some of the feelings have finally found a way out. It is a good start; I have not lost the battle. The tumor recedes. And yes, I feel angry, a rage that I wish I could dismiss. I work with a frantic energy to purge, to rid myself of anything that is not needed. Sell it, trash it or give it away; it is all a burden.

Ninety-six applications, 12 interviews, 1 offer, 2.5 days work, 1 dismissal, last unemployment check.

On Tidying Up and how it helps treat cancer

One of my biggest struggles with recovery is feeling powerless. I was at the mercy of a treatment plan that nearly killed me. I had to walk away from their treatment plan to survive. I believe that planting a garden, cleaning up the yard, putting my house in order are important steps in my recovery.

I pulled all of my clothing out of the closets, drawers and if something didn't fit right, made me feel embarrassed or brought up unpleasant memories, I discarded it. I filled up two very large heavy duty plastic bags with shirts, socks, pants and other assorted items. Now when I go into the closet, I can get dressed and ready in less than a minute. I no longer have to worry about putting on something that I feel uncomfortable wearing later.

The process gave me hope. I felt empowered to take control of my clothing. This extended to my paperwork. I found that I had piles of papers scattered around the house. My debts have piled up because I am still paying for past cancer treatments. I feel helpless to pay it off since I have failed to procure employment. I was working for a short time but I was dismissed after 2 and a half days! I am struggling with my faith in God, my purpose in life and how I'm going to keep my family fed and housed. As I put myself back together again, putting my house in order has become a top priority.

Bread with a better Aftertaste

I made a loaf of bread with buckwheat, spelt, oat and bread flour. It yielded 3 lbs of dough that I baked into one loaf of bread. The bread tastes unlike anything I have tried before. My initial reaction was yuck, this doesn't taste right but after I swallow, the aftertaste is pleasant. This is different. Usually, it is the other way around!

I do not waste food and since I determined that I hadn't used anything toxic, I determined ways to eat the bread. I mean this is why we have spices right? We eat a lot of things that would not taste good but somehow the right spice can make just about anything taste great.

I cut up the bread into small cubes and added it to a savory mushroom soup. It tastes great with this soup and the strange thing about it is that after eating most of the loaf, I find myself craving it. Despite the strange tastes, this bread has something in it that my body likes. Another benefit of eating this whole grain breads are the effect it has on bowel health. I am passing "text book" perfect stools. I find the bread is satisfying and I don't crave processed food. I have cut down my meat consumption to several ounces per week and feel strong and sturdy in my workouts. I am reminded of the story of Daniel. In the Old Testament, Daniel 1:17, he refused to eat the food from the Kings table and instead ate grains specifically pulse. The results were that he and his friends were "20 And in all matters of wisdom and understanding, that the king inquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that were in all his realm."

I have found that my tumor has continued to shrink and recede as I avoid eating processed foods. I am thinking clearly, and putting my life back in order.

Networking with Utah Valley Leads Connection

Brad invited me to a networking group called Utah Valley Leads Connection. We met in a conference room at Key Bank. This group of entrepreneurs comes together every other week to practice pitching our service in 30 seconds or less, talk to one another one-on-one and listen to a presentation. This week we learned about Estate planning.

After a short lunch, we took a few minutes to talk to one another and learn about which company we represented and exchanged business cards. It is said that "you should start digging a well before you are thirsty." In essence the purpose of building relationships goes far beyond just closing a sale. In building relationships of trust we have a variety of talented professionals to recommend to ourselves and others when a need arises.

This was my first meeting. I enjoyed the opportunity to talk and have some lunch. At the close of the meeting, each member and guests were invited to give a "shout out" about their experience with another member's service. Bret Rosier praised Scot Moran for his Facebook app that allows him to share an interactive business card with all of his contacts. He said that in 2 weeks, he received 10 leads, click to see Bret's business card. An impressive return on investment! A group gathered around Scott as he demonstrated some impressive new ways to connect with new customers using facial recognition technology. He used a smart phone to scan the cover of a magazine, to start an interactive video.

I offer information management services doing business as LogIntuit. As a Senior Technical writer, I have created user manuals, workshop guides, PowerPoint presentations, process guides and more. Check out my linkedin profile here.

Confronting Death

In my meditation time over the past few days, I've been seeing the grim reaper. As I close my eyes and my mind's eye opens I see the grim reaper. He is standing there close watching me. I don't feel any ill will or fear. I'm reminded of times when I approached deer grazing in the field. They will raise their head and look at me curiously and after a time will lower their head to continue pulling up grass.

In the past week, I've noticed that I've seen myself being shot, staring at a hill side and sometimes a blank wall. Am I afraid of death? No, not really but I hate leaving such a mess. I have too many debts unpaid, misunderstood cues taken, lives I might still be able to influence for good.

A few years ago, I was sitting on a chair barely able to breathe. Standing up for 10 seconds was a challenge because I would get dizzy from lack of oxygen. The CT scan results said I either had lung cancer or it was just a side effect from one of the chemo drugs. It left me devastated. The grim reaper was dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging around his neck. It has had an effect on my thinking and cognitive functions as well. I struggle a little with forming a cohesive sentence before the next idea comes barging in and wants to take it's place. The meditation, prayer and quiet time has helped me to bring back the concentration.

Running, swimming or biking for an hour helps to quiet the mind as well. The muscles are aching and soon all I can think about is pushing the next cycle or taking my next breath.

When confronting the prospect of my death, it brought up questions of  what affairs do I need to put in order? What will my wife and kids do when I'm gone? Is there something I forgot to do that will make a difference? The questions centered on what will happen to those I leave more than do I fear the passing into the next life.

Keep the Sabbath Day Holy

God, in his mercy and love for us, set aside one day to rest from our labors. Sunday sabbath day observance is part of my cancer treatment plan.  On Sunday, I spend time with family, visit with friends, read scriptures, and rest. It is a day to strengthen my connection with God. However, lately it has been a challenge to attend church meetings.

While seated in sacrament meeting, I often ponder the meaning of my life. I've been struggling with my purpose and direction. I have not been able to find a job for most of this year. I closed my eyes, and a scene opened up in front of me. I saw a lonely hillside like this picture in my minds eye. The ground is covered in grass and short shrubs. My prayers and contemplation reveal little that I understand and sometimes the images are disturbing.

My daughter received her Young Woman Medallion today. She completed her young woman personal progress. She completed this early since she is still 14 years old. This award recognizes her worthiness and completion of all the Personal Progress requirements. She has committed to keeping the commandments, serving others, and developing and sharing her gifts and talents. She has been a good example of keeping the sabbath day holy.

We had an open house and many of the other young women, leaders and neighbors came over for a visit. Elena shared the various projects that she completed for her personal progress. She helped prepare dinner meals for the family for 2 weeks, helped clear a large tree from our yard and made her own staff from a branch of that tree, and composed a musical piece for performance. It was a very nice feeling in the room and I was touched by the love and fellowship. I recognize how important it is to love your neighbors, to serve them and to stay vigilant. 

Eating Whole Grain breads

I attended several classes with Chef Brad teaching about the virtues of grains, especially when used in baking a loaf of bread. Since then, I have baked a half dozen loaves of bread. Not wanting to see any of it go to waste, I promised myself I would eat any mistakes. My first attempt using spelt, brown rice and Kamut flours mixed with a few cups of bread flour was eaten within 2 hours! My next attempt had too many whole grain flours, 5 to be exact, and didn't have the same appeal. The first thing I noticed about eating whole grain bread is that it is very filling. It is also a bit of a challenge to digest at first. I believe that the digestive tract needs to adjust before it can digest food in an optimal manner. One episode of diarrhea and then after that smooth sailing. I noticed that I felt calmer and didn't feel hungry for most of the day. I had to eat a little slower, chewing each bite with some care because it is a fiber rich food.

During the class, I heard that eating with more whole grains in your diet will rid your body of disease. I thought, hmmm...I've been trying to rid my body of cancer. I can try this out and see how well it works. 

Extraordinary Rehydration Juice

Vanessa Joy, a musician I follow on Facebook posted a recipe with celery, cucumber, Granny Smith apple and ginger. I wondered if it tastes good? No way better to find out then give it a try, no? I juiced 5 stalks of celery, a huge cucumber, green apple and an ounce of ginger. I was surprised by the subtle flavor and then the slight burning aftertaste. In my reading of fantasy literature, this is what I imagine drinking something that an elf drank with a meal, a subtle bouquet of green leaves. I think it made me feel happy inside. This juice is really good for someone who is sensitive to ginger since the burning flavor is subdued. I researched the ingredients, you can click the links to read it too, and many of them are helpful to keep cancer away.

This juice is an excellent source of potassium and other electrolytes making it a great drink after a workout!

Bake bread stay healthy

Good food is a critical part of my cancer treatment. I avoid processed foods. No more hot dogs, soda, candy bars and cakes. Who am I kidding? I do indulge, just a lot less!

I attended Chef Brad's presentation about using grains in making bread. I ground up one cup of barley, a cup of Spelt, and a cup of brown rice with my Vita Mix blender. I mixed in an additional 3 cups of Turkey bread flour. I poured in a tablespoon of honey, a cup of evaporated milk, two eggs, two tablespoons yeast and 2 cups of water. I mixed the dough with a Kitchen Aid mixer.

This yielded 4 pounds of dough. The bread came out pretty good. Funny how the bread is very satisfying to eat. My wife and kids loved how good it tastes. It doesn't seem to last very long.

VASA Fitness 3 Day Trial

I visited two VASA fitness centers this week in Provo and Orem. I took the tour, attended a Zumba class and a Pilates class and had a 1 hour personal training session. I was impressed with the enthusiasm and showmanship of the Zumba instructors. These girls got up on stage and acted like rock stars. They were really into it and so were many of the young men and women around me flailing arms and legs, moving forward and then backwards, hooting and hollering while the music blared enough to leave me partially deaf for a couple of hours. I found myself trying my best to flow with the music and follow the dance moves as best that I could.

I made an appointment for a personal session the next day. The personal trainer I was scheduled to meet with had given notice a few minutes before I arrived. However, I was turned over to another trainer named Luke. He showed me some exercise routines, and we talked about some of my goals. I think we clicked. If I had the funds, I would have signed up for 3 sessions a week. The cost of 4,000 dollars for a year of personal training may seem like a lot but that is the cost of 1 "cheap" chemotherapy treatment. He had a friendly demeanor and demonstrated a level or professionalism that I really liked. I have built relationships with several people that have helped me to keep working out. I can't do this alone. To overcome my shame, I've openly admitted my weakness and sought to make it a strength.

I went into a 1 hour Pilates session with Angie. She was relentless in her workout demonstration! We focused on leg lifts and I went to exhaustion several times but I kept moving and doing the best that I could. I really felt the burn! I was impressed with her strength and then to hear that she did the same workout 3 times that day, I was amazed! This is what inspiration is made of. I know if she could do it, I could too if I kept at it long enough.

Enjoy Your Job Interview

I had a phone interview with Meridith from NetIQ tthis morning.  I enjoyed the conversation and I found myself thinking, I want to work for this company. It was refreshing to have an interview that didn't feel like I was a contestant on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

She asked about my experience working in an Agile development environment and the challenges to integrate a documentation team into this development strategy. Sometimes development has taken Agile to mean we don't need documentation. With a focus on communicating with customers, soliciting feedback in an incremental manner exposes the need for good requirements and "targeted" end user documentation.

Not all features in a software product need to be documented. It makes little sense to have help explaining to a user to enter their user name in a field that is already labeled, "user name". If only we could apply some of this common sense thinking in other areas of life.

Swimming the Lane

My swim was calming and refreshing. Life seems simpler when I start churning through the water completing laps, keeping count. The view of a blue floor and a painted line and others swimming nearby. My mind calmed down, and all I concentrated on was lengthening my legs and kicking consistently. Cramping was kept at bay and my energy levels were stable for the length of the swim. I felt safe again.

Psoas Release to Treat Cancer

I disrobed and lay on the table. Brad asks how my weekend went and I recount some of my adventures taking on the world. How I got chomped in a gate at the Rec center and the increasing levels of fear and feeling "I'm not safe!" He chuckles and listens with empathy. He applies a regimen of Young Living essential oils: Lemon, Lime and Orange on the feet, Lemongrass and Lavender oil on the chest. The oils are soothing and calming and it is a well established anchor that helps me feel secure. As he checks my muscles, he smooths out knots along my calves and thighs. His technique is firm and assuring. Over time, his treatment is much less painful then when I started. I would scream and sometimes cry but now it is a comfortable pain.

Today, he focused on the abdomen, "waking up the root" as he called it. He had me extend my arms and legs to check flexibility; the lower back has made some progress, yes! He performed a psoas muscle release, in which he puts pressure on points along the abdomen to lengthen the muscles. The psoas is an important muscle making it possible to run. It is rope-like muscle found deep in the abdomen and attaches to the spine and connects to the leg. It is joined at the hip by another muscle called the iliacus which travels from hip to thigh. It makes up a powerful hip flexor. A large tumor pressed up against the Psoas muscles.

The psoas is critical for good posture. Along with a coordinated team of core muscles, the psoas helps stabilize the abdominal region. Every time I stand, walk, or run, I'm engaging the psoas. Brad asks me to do the "worm" while laying down on the table. Funny story, at the conclusion of one of my appointments I did a wave like motion on the table like a worm with an impressive display of fluidity. We all laughed. Today my worm was a bit sub par.

My treatment plan includes a daily juice of carrots and apples, green smoothie and a daily workout session. In addition to checking tumor reduction, I have been gauging recovery by noting flexibility and strength. My ongoing sessions with Sports Massage Specialists has been a critical part of my holistic treatment plan. It has been a lot of work over the past year and I'm very happy with the results.

My Dog Walks Me

Jovi is a pure bred beagle. We adopted her about 6 years ago. She has always been a feisty girl, so I've had to be careful to keep her leashed. The past year or so she has mellowed and doesn't care so much for politics and who is in charge. She will steer clear of most encounters and stays close to me. She wakes up early to make sure I go out for a walk every morning. She seems to have it in her head that first light means time to go! It gets me out of bed and and walking or running, she doesn't mind.

Unfortunately, She has also developed a few tumors. It doesn't seem to be causing her any pain but it does make her look a little lop sided when she walks. I give her pieces of carrots to eat as snacks and I make sure to feed her small meals 3 times a day and take her out to walk a mile or two each day. I'm grateful for her patience with me and her quiet determination to make sure I keep exercising.

After the Fear, Comfort

Fear is in me, around me and moves though me. I'm starting to notice that I do not feel safe while working out lately or going to church meetings. The feelings of uncertainty have been growing stronger. As I entered the Rec center today, the gate closed on me. It closed on me like a pincer, the glass panels squeezing me while an alarm sounded. I stood there in disbelief for a moment and then I felt rage. It reinforced the sense of fear that the world is out to get me. I laugh at this paranoia because basically it is true, an accepted fact that the world is a dangerous place. It takes courage and faith to push forward and despite car accidents, being shot, sexually assaulted or contracting a life threatening illness, there is a lot of good in the world too.

I didn't feel safe in the Barre class this morning. Surrounded by a number of people that seem indifferent and cold... I walked home and laid down to rest. I closed my eyes and it felt like someone picked me up and held me like a child. I felt that warm reassurance of love and safety I remember when being held by my mother and father. The cares of the world dropped away. It was a moment of quiet solitude, a small break from fears. God comforts me.

A psalm I wrote:

Oh Jesus,
How do I please you. before the day is gone?
What do I do when the tears won't come,
and to wake to find that you're not there?

I know thou art my redeemer
Thy kind, and loving words,
gives me purpose to live; loves me to the end.
and I know; brings me safely home.

Living with a Tumor

I live with a tumor in my back. It is a tissue mass that was diagnosed as a germ cell from the testicles that migrated up the tubes and implanted in the lower back. I've wondered if I have a couple of extra pair of large testicles growing in my lower back. All those jokes about "growing a pair" and I might just have done that! The tumor mass has receded to the right side and occasionally it will bulge and feels like the top of a golf ball. It serves like a lodestone, it leads me eat better and exercise.

I was on full disability for over a year and started working full time in December but I was laid off near the end of February. I've been applying for at least 4 jobs each week, attending interviews and collecting unemployment. In that time, I've been learning to adjust to a new rhythm of life. I have tended several repairs to the house. I work out an hour each day with my wife. I juice fruit and vegetables and if I need some extra energy, I blend a green smoothie.

The tumor swells and recedes in response to what foods I eat and physical activities. If I choose to eat too much processed foods, it will swell. This puts pressure on my spine around lumbar 1 and 2 vertebrae. The pain can be excruciating. I work out for an hour each day. My goal is to stretch and strengthen muscles in my core, shoulders and back. 

Exercise helps to cleanse lymph nodes, release dopamine and other hormones which helps keep depression away. Swimming helps me to practice controlled breathing and is a form of mediation. The mind goes quiet and soon I've swam a mile and a half and the hour has past. Riding my bicycle allows me to enjoy fresh air and see something new. Running stimulates bone growth, especially in the back. 

My strength and flexibility continue to improve. I struggle with pulling my legs up 90 degrees. In most of my fitness classes such as Barre, the lower back yields a little more each week. I have regained improved posture and I can stand in line at the store for longer than 10 minutes without being in extreme pain.

  

He Wants my Flesh

I have been playing Skrim as myself, controlling an avatar that was summoned to Tamriel to test his mettle. I chose to develop restoration spells, to heal wounds, bolster confidence in others and call to them to battle. I prefer to avoid direct confrontation by developing skills in sneaking around unnoticed. I also developed illusion skills to confuse and misdirect enemies efforts to turn on themselves while I find a suitable vantage point to watch. I chose companions that would help me out when there was really no other option but fight.

I'm a bit of a vigilante at heart. While I sneak around to avoid detection, it is because I simply don't want to have to kill if I don't need to. I can do the job without a lot of mess. In Tamriel, the Dark Brotherhood is a guild of assassins. For a price, someone can perform a ritual called the dark sacrament to send an assassin to eliminate an enemy. In a quest called Innocence lost, an orphaned boy name Aventus Aretino performs the ritual in a desperate attempt to escape a cruel headmistress of the Orphanage.

I wanted to see if I could dissuade Aventus but he wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't an assassin from the Dark Brotherhood. I decided to pay a visit to Grelod the Kind. When I entered the orphanage, I noticed immediately the children were scared and cowed into submission. This head mistress spoke in harsh tones and I heard sounds that suggested physical abuse. When I confronted her about Aventus and his performing the dark sacrament, she struck out at me as if I was the assassin. Ironically, I was just trying to help her but in self defense, I struck back and that was her end.

The children gathered around but didn't seem too upset by what happened. Her hired assistant, Constance is is upset but doesn't report the incident to the guard and simply asks that I leave. I return to Aventus and tell him what happened. He is happy to hear that Grelod is gone.

I got a note a few days later from the Dark Brotherhood with a simple message, "we know". I wake up in a dusty shack the next day. I look up to see an assassin who says her name is Astrid, perched on a beam above me. She tells me why she brought me here and that she has taken three people hostage. She recounts to me that I completed a contract that I wasn't authorized to complete. To make up for this misunderstanding, she asks me to kill one of the hostages. She explains that each person deserves death. This is quite the conundrum because I want to keep my oath of peace; I don't want to kill. However, I know that if I don't kill one of the hostages, I will die. I decide that if I must kill, better to kill the assassin then potentially kill an innocent.

In my view, this was similar to a choice I had to make concerning cancer treatment. Do I undergo surgery to cut off a testicle or risk having the cancer spread to my lungs, heart and brain? I trusted the oncologist and the surgeons recommendation and went ahead with the surgery to fix an inguinal hernia and orcheotomy. The Oncologist insisted that there must be cancer in one or both of the testicles and that this was the only way to treat the cancer. After the test results came back, the tissue was cancer free. Do I trust anything else the oncologist or surgeon has to say?

The next recommended surgery in the treatment plan is to remove the left kidney along with the remaining tissue mass in the back and some lymph nodes and who knows what else? They seemed very greedy in their removal of healthy tissue. When I decide to forgo the surgery, the surgeon tells me that I'm certain to die if I don't follow through with this surgery. I protest, telling him that I am following a protocol of nutrition and cleansing that is reducing the mass and blood tests confirm that the cancer continues to be reduced. He doesn't care. He wants to cut my flesh, remove essential organs and leave me scarred for life with a huge gash running all the way up the front of my body. In addition, the surgery will put me much further into debt. I still haven't paid off all of the treatment I've already undergone. Insurance paid for most of it but I still have a sizable out of pocket to pay.

I'm angry and scared. I don't feel safe in any part of my life. I've been violated, I've been poisoned and I'm weak. I struggle to regain the strength I once had. I parted ways with the surgeon, oncologist and nurse practitioners. The price they demand is too high. Instead I juice beets, carrots, apples, ginger, turmeric and a lemon every day. I blend spinach, kale, apple and assorted frozen fruit into a green smoothie for lunch. I crave junk food and I give into these cravings from time to time. The tumor swells when I do and my energy levels drop. I worry that I'm screwed. I need to condition myself to see some foods for what they truly are, a threat to my health and well being. Dressed in colorful packages with chemically enhanced and genetically modified ingredients that my body can't handle.

Skyrim Fellowship

As part of my recovery process, I have played video games. I do a lot of thinking while working to complete a quest. I created a character in Skyrim that looked a lot like me, and gave him my name, Allen. On this play through, my goal was to play as if I was summoned to the land of Tamriel and play as true to my personal values and beliefs as possible.

I observed the oath of peace as stated in the story of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever:

"Do not hurt where holding is enough;
Do not wound where hurting is enough;
Do not maim where wounding is enough;
and kill not where maiming is enough;
The greatest warrior is he who does not need to kill"

I installed a mod to the game that added characters from the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. I started the quest, "Way of the Voice". I needed to visit a sequestered group of monks called Graybeards. The monastery is located on a mountain peak called High Hrothgar. The path to the monastery consists of 7,000 steps. I was running as fast as I could to avoid wolves and startled pilgrims when I saw a group of adventurers seated around a campfire. It was fun to choose from this venerable company a set of companions.

I asked Merry, Aragorn, and Gandolf to join me. I chose each character for different reasons. I think Merry stole the show in the first Lord of the Rings movie. Like me, he loves fresh vegetables, things that go boom and his curiosity can get him into trouble. I've linked to 3 video clips from YouTube that show Mery absconding some fresh produce from Farmer Maggot, setting off fireworks, and of course that scene with a frustrated Gandolf says "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity."

I chose Gandolf because of his humility and sense of justice. He is a wizard struggling with a mission to complete and even when killed is brought back to fulfill his destiny. His strength is centered in his self-control and mastery of mystic energies that he channels through a staff and the relationships he has forged with dwarves, hobbits, moths and giant Eagles. He is also a brave warrior that can face down balrogs, evil wizards and orcs.

I chose Aragorn because even though he is scorned by his country men, thrown off cliffs, and confused about his destiny, he manages to make good on his promises to Arwen, his elven beloved. He is a strong and cunning fighter who manages to keep hope alive despite the grim outlook at each turn in his quest.

In the game, Merry, Gandolf and Aragon are ready to help me take down enemies that seem to pop up everywhere. Along the trail, I try to sneak past a snow troll but he detects me and usually I have to run. However, with these new friends, I score an easy victory. When facing a difficult situation, always make sure to call on friends to face your enemy.

And then my Doctor Walks by

Five months ago, I started following my wife to her fitness classes at the Provo Rec Center. At first she was a little hesitant about my accompanying her to the Barre class. I realized that this is a "girls club". For example, I once made a comment about how my wife was struggling with that time of the month and one of the ladies chastised me for my insensitive remark saying, we can hold you down while she punches you. I was really careful about talking about anything feminine after that. I showed the instructor, my wife and other participants the utmost respect and I fit in fine. The whispers and comments about a "man" coming to the class quieted down. My strength and flexibility have improved greatly since attending the class three times a week.

Today while we waited, someone walked up to me, extended her hand and said, "you look great!", she smiled and shook my hand. I didn't recognize that this was Lisa Stubbs, my primary care giver! She was the doctor that diagnosed cancer. She stands before me as an attractive and beautiful person and after opening this can of worms this morning that lead to feeling explosive anger and frustration. Can you see the dichotomy? She has a family, works out and really cared. She saw that my life was in peril and she did everything she could to help me. Sending me to the cancer ward was the best she could do at the time. I saw another side of her that I couldn't see when she was dressed in a doctors gown. This experience was a total pattern interrupt!

I want to let go of these feelings. I pray to God to fill my heart with charity, the pure love of Christ. I seek to rise, to overcome despair but the feelings rise up as I relive events. The story that has unfolded over a two year period rushes up like a storm to shake and buffet me. Much like the person suffering from PTSD; I get a little aggressive. The daily workouts help me to put that energy to good use. I also clean the house, the garage, the bathrooms to calm me down and to avoid compounding problems.

Since I was dismissed from a job a few weeks ago, something inside me screams, STEP IT UP! I want to cry but I can't. The tears are locked behind a door while the pressure mounts...

What in the hell is wrong with you?!

Glad you asked. Sometimes I wake up with a persistent belief that I'm going no where and that somehow I don't deserve to be loved. That I'm a coward with no purpose in life. I am swiftly moving down a road to ruination. I have lost some precious parts of myself in a fight to stay alive or at least I believed that when surgeons cut into me.

I'm never allowed to really say what I think, so I write it down in journals and read aloud the latest news. I'm disturbed by my lack of faith in things that I once held so dear. That immutable belief in myself and that I could do anything has been shattered. I pick up the pieces in an attempt to put it all back together again. Now there are too many things to pick up and I'm tired and it takes longer to do most things that were so easy to do before.

Why is my mouth red like I just drank blood? Well you see, that is the juice of beets that I drink to revitalize my kidneys and to shrink a tumor. Oh and did I mention that I still have a large tumor mass in my back? I swear the radiologist just about shit his pants when he looked over my CT scan! Oh and my goodness, the doctor thought I was in immediate peril and had me committed to the cancer ward on the 9th floor. I didn't feel like taking a 10,000 a day room just so they could say, I'm sorry, I really can't help you. *@%! you! You jerks are all about the money. And what about all those organizations that start calling to ask for donations to help pay for cancer treatment? I still can't pay for my own treatment and when I checked I couldn't find any money from them, so **** you too!

March of the Patriarchs

I lay on my Laz-boy chair and I can barely stay awake. I can barely stay conscious as I listen to my mother, sister and aunt converse around me. I feel like I'm dying, it is dark. As my mother gets up to leave the room, my vision opens up to the farm back home in Oregon. The sunshine is streaming down and there is a gentle breeze in the air. I feel tears flowing from my eyes and my mother takes notice and asks if I'm okay. She wonders if I'm sad that she is leaving. I start to narrate what I see.

Tables that are hundreds of feet long are covered with white satin table cloths. There are silver plate settings with delicious foods placed in the center. Seated at the tables are scores of family members spanning generations. The living and the dead meeting together for a grand family reunion. All are dressed in fine linen of the whitest color and softest texture. There is a dais with thrones and standing are men of great knowledge, righteousness and power. Their faces radiate a calm certainty and joy. One is holding a large scroll and another displays small stones of curious texture. They speak with wondrous words that fill my soul with joy. I feel love and a presence that cannot be denied.

When the meal concludes, I look up and notice that the sky is overcast with clouds. As sunlight dims, light comes up from the ground. Everyone gathers in circles of six and dance in a choreographed progression until everyone has faced one another. Words are not spoken but communication is expressed through movement and gestures. There are introductions, life stories, and expressions of love. Each generation is connected to the next with a special reckoning. My heart burns with rapture. I understand answers to many questions. Many share similar struggles and joys. We join together in a long line of associations that enriches our shared experiences. All united in a joyful celebration of love, life and fidelity.

Once the dancing concludes, a reverent hush falls. One of the patriarchs opens a scroll and reads from it aloud. His words are inspiring and fill my heart with pronouncements and admonitions. He shares stories of long ages past, and forgotten lore. A gathering will occur on this land to bring together my family. I bow my head and say a simple prayer, "let it be so."

My Second Wind and Insanity Workout

I have been attending a class at the Provo Recreation Center called Insanity. The program uses a system of interval training that has you work as hard as you can for 3-minute intervals, with 30-second periods of rest in between. The atmosphere is charged with high fives and encouragement from instructors and other participants. Working out to rousing music and the blare of alarms to cue you when it is time to take a break, get some water and wipe the sweat off your face. I lose up to 3 lbs of water during a session!

Felicia Hurst and Dave Borland took me under their wing and have encouraged me to push my limits. I have almost fainted several times from the exertion of the workout. After working out with these instructors I felt safe enough to push right up to the limits of my strength and endurance. As the adrenaline rises, I sometimes see black spots, muscles burn from the exertion and I nearly faint.

However, encouragement sometimes turns to alarm and I have to reassure them that "I'm okay." I understand that this is what it takes to get my lungs to increase their capacity to absorb oxygen. The medical term is volume of oxygen or VO2. When I trained in previous years, I used intense interval training to raise my VO2 to a measured level of 89. Now I feel like I'm probably around 25. I used to run the trails up Mount Timpanogas; two hours up and two hours back down, a 19 mile round trip.

Dave has moved and Felicia has continued leading the charge. Last night was significant because I got my second wind for the first time since I started my post cancer workout rehabilitation. It is a milestone for me. I have only experienced this before when running long distances.

I took two supplements before my workout: Hammer Endurolyte and Race Caps Supreme. These supplements help to reduce muscle fatigue and increase workload capacity. I've been nervous about taking supplements again because of the tumor. I noticed that the tumor had receded last night during the workout and after.

Thanks to Felicia, a beautiful and talented athlete who I respect and admire. She helped me to push through the inertia of depression and despair.

Tidying up the garage

I am tidying up the garage this week, turning out the shelves and throwing away stuff. I usually do this once a year to check on food storage, 72 hour kits and to organize camping equipment, and tools. I haven't done this for two years. It has been a lower priority since my energy levels started to  dwindle. Many projects had to be put on hold.

I often feel powerless; like when I struggled to stand up for 10 seconds because I got dizzy. Gradually, I've been pulling myself together to start making progress and to put my house back in order. The lawn mower will not start. I've taken it apart several times and I believe it is because the gas intake is clogged. I've been digging out tree roots that have now sprouted into 5 foot saplings. I'm chopping out the roots with a pick ax. It has helped me to gauge how well my back has been healing. I installed a lamp next to my wife's side of the bed. It felt good to see her using the lamp, lying comfortably perched under the soft light reading a Ladies Home Journal magazine. It was an easy thing to do but it took me over 15 years to finally get it installed.

I have felt my heartstrings pulled during this ordeal; a mix of anger, sadness, fear that the cancer might be reasserting itself. When I've felt like giving up, I think about how far I've come and start counting my blessings. I have a wife who has supported me through a tough time, three children who are talented, a job that provided short and long term disability benefits. I had time to complete a 12 week round of chemotherapy, undergo surgeries and then recover from a broken back. Daily regimens that require juicing fresh fruits and vegetables, enemas, and physical therapy. Friendly neighbors who offer a listening ear, and help out.

Life on Carterville Park

I live in a great neighborhood. A quiet peaceful place where you know almost everyone's name. There is a spacious park that has pavilions, bar-b-q racks, volleyball net, track, open space for pickup games of football. You see almost everyone at church on Sunday. People care and notice when you are struggling and often offer support and help to keep you going.

Sunday, a kindly couple came to share counsel. They took an hour to come over and share their experiences and how they handled a situation similar to mine. It was comforting and by the time they were to leave, I wanted to give them both a hug. I felt uplifted and inspired. Later in the day, my bishop dropped by for a visit. We pulled up a couple of chairs on the front porch and I talked...a lot. He listened and asked me a few questions like, "Where do you turn for comfort?" I paused a moment and thought about it and I answered that I turned to friends and family. I pointed out that I have some exceptional neighbors. I talked about how grateful I was for many of the kindnesses shown to me and related how I had been able to do the same for many of them as well. I shared that I posted a lot of my feelings on a blog and shared it on Facebook. I mentioned that it was interesting to receive encouragement and comfort from high school friends. I told him how astonished I was at the love and consideration shown to me while I was fighting cancer. There are so many opportunities to do good if we just give ourselves and others a chance. 

Sometimes, we aren't given much of a chance. We start with good intentions to serve in a job and before we do anything, we are kicked out the door. Other times we are minding our own business and someone steals our identity. We all at one time or another get kicked, harassed and embarrassed. My faith in God and his word has been strengthened. We all need something to believe in to make it. I realize how important it is to stay the course, do not despair. Jesus Christ has suffered all things for us and he does not leave us without comfort. I pray, read scriptures, write in a personal journal and above all I talk to friends and family. I hope I'm half as good a listener as I am a talker.

The Never Ending Questions

I went through several rounds of interviews with the LDS Riverton Office, waited for 3 months as they strung me along. I had been applying and interviewing every week but no one extended an offer. I started my new role as a Technical Writer and I barely get my workstation set up and was discharged with no clue as to why. I was simply marched to the HR office, given a statement that I didn't fit in and that my employment was terminated. I was then escorted down stairs and pushed out the door. I walked outside to the bus stop. It was 1:00 p.m. and the next bus came at 3:00 p.m. I had no where to go, so I returned through the front doors. I advised the receptionist that the next bus was not due for another 2 hours.

I was rejected, pushed out and told I was NOT welcome here. I wish they had offered some pittance, such as a bottle of water? Maybe suggest I visit the employment resource center that was located near the lobby. Thanks to this event, I may lose my unemployment assistance. I reported in my weekly unemployment filing that I started a job and was discharged. I had to answer questions to the effect that I did nothing illegal and I didn't know why I was discharged and that I don't know what I could have done differently to avoid dismissal.

I feel like I've been rejected by the Church; that I'm not wanted. Another nail driven into the coffin. I feel humiliated.  It has been five months of going deeper into debt in a series of financial setbacks such as a dishonest eBay buyer from Japan who cheated us out of $600 and a dozen other little things. I fear I will lose the house. The stress has caused the tumor to swell. I can feel the tumor ache and there was a distinct loss of heat in the abdominal region. I often feel like giving up, just stop eating. What if I prayed that God take me? I'm reminded of a scene from Forrest Gump with little Jenny kneeling in the corn field pleading, "Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here." I question my purpose. Now I'm tortured with never ending musings on what I did or did not do to fit in or what I could have done differently. It is a kind of hell where I'm stuck in a never ending loop.

Visit to Saltair Great Salt Lake

I visited the Great Salt Lake with my wife and three daughters, Kandace, Amanda and Elena. We went to Saltair, we were the only people on the beach for the first 20 minutes and then were joined by a lot of others who wanted to brave the water too.

I stripped down to my swim jammer and waded out until the water was up to my chest. The lake bed was soft and squishy. I kept thinking of Dory from the movie "Finding Nemo" when she encountered a small jelly fish and called him "squishy". It helped distract me from imagining broken bottles or bones in the lake bed or thinking about the opening scene of the 1990 film "The Giant Brine Shrimp" that was filmed here on the lake.

I waded out with the girls to the buoys. bobbing with the cascade of waves and a pleasant breeze. I was a little nervous, at first. Elena commented how there was no chlorine smell. I advised the girls to not splash, "why dad?" but before I could answer, one of them got a taste of the water and another got water in her eyes. I reassured Amanda to wait a little bit and her tears would wash out the salt. I reminded them that there is no pool side to swim to and to stay close to a "buddy".

The water looked dirty, it has a green and brown hue and it smells strong of brine and "something dead". I leaned back into the water and was pleased to discover that it was true, you really didn't have to "swim" in this water because you float like a cork. I remember being told about this from my older sisters when I was very young. It was fun to float on the water like an otter and watch the clouds pass overhead or study a sailing ship on the horizon. I felt rejuvenated as depressive feelings slipped away. I believe the minerals in the water are healing.

We washed off the salt and sand as best we could at a fresh water station. My hair was caked with salt and I remember something from running marathons: salt is very abrasive. What a relief it was to use fresh water to rinse off! We went to the gift shop and picked up some post cards as souvenirs. I wish I had taken the plunge earlier or even more often over the past 20 years.

On and off the Job

I started a new job in Riverton, Utah. Waking up at 5 am, catching a bus at 6 to Lehi, connecting to to the Front Runner train to Draper and then another bus to Riverton. I walked into the office about 7:23 and waited with three others until 8:10 when someone from HR came for us to start orientation. We gathered in a conference room, and were seated around a table. He introduced himself and welcomed us. He asked us to introduce ourselves and then showed us a video. The video consisted of showing various locations around the world with people smiling and telling a little about their experience working for the Church. The message, "hasten the work", "accountability and transparency" was emphasized.

We watched a boring power point slide show that made sure we understood to dial 611 in case of an emergency instead of 911. We were given a tour of the 1st, second and 4th floors. The building was constructed by Intel and then sold to the Church and the building is huge! A labyrinth of halls with offices and cubicles packed tight. I noticed the lack of any plants or color. It was easy to get lost and the posted maps are difficult to decipher. Each manager arrived to pick up their new hire. I had to wait an additional 10 minutes before my supervisor arrived. The on boarding process was the worst I've ever experienced.

We visited Technical Services on the second floor where I was handed a bag stuffed with a laptop, docking station, keyboard, mouse, power cords and a large box with an external Dell monitor. My supervisor helped me carry that hardware up to my work station. I unpacked everything, pulling components out of plastic wrappers, unwinding twist ties, and connecting cords to the docking station. I had to ask neighbors for help to connect the phone, internet and docking station correctly. I was told to dial 2-HELP to call the help desk when the sound and the external monitor didn't work. Then I had to figure out how to install software such as Office. I had to stop everything I was doing and keep an appointment with my supervisor, a "solutions manager". She was upset when I mentioned that Office wasn't installed on my laptop. She complained that it was going to cost her money from her budget. She emphasized how important it was that I "create value" and start delivering documentation this week. Friday was a holiday, Pioneer Day, and subject matter experts were leaving town to take advantage of the three day weekend.

In another meeting with a "solutions manager" he showed me a help desk application called Service Now. He showed me a list of a dozen MS Word documents and explained that I would need to update the documents after the help desk application was updated next week. He promised to send an email with links to the staging site, and the documents but never did. I was tired and I did my best to restate what he wanted done and wrote some notes, and a list of things to do. I felt thrashed, I still didn't have Office 365, an email client or any tools. I came home around 7pm and fell asleep soon after eating dinner.

I arrived to work my second day at 7:23 am and about 8 am, my supervisor approached my cubicle. She asked me about my assignment. She was upset that I was watching a 20 minute training video that I thought was mandatory. Under pressure, I looked at my notes and everything I wrote didn't make sense. I didn't give her an answer she liked so she got frustrated. I told her I was still installing software to get my workstation working smoothly. I explained it wasn't fair to expect me to start delivering documentation immediately when I didn't have my workstation configured, email working or the documents I was supposed to be working on. I felt terrible and was tempted to just walk away. The confrontation left me shaken and scared she was going to fire me. I could feel the tumor swell a little and my back ached.

The lead technical writer walked in a few minutes later and asked how I was doing? I related my encounter with the supervisor and how I felt terrible and wondered if she was going to dismiss me. He scoffed and simply said that everyone needs to work out their relationship with her. I managed to get Office 365 installed, outlook configured, Lync (an instant chat client) configured and started contacting people with questions. It was easier to send a short text message than risk getting lost! It was frustrating to find names since there are over 1200 people in the list. I had to ask everyone for their first AND last name; please, thank you! I finally finished installing everything and started to configure email accounts with folders. I sent emails to my supervisor advising her of my progress. I asked one of the functional analysts to introduce me to a few more project managers. He led me through the labyrinth and it went well. I took notes and felt prepared to give a better answer to "what are your marching orders?" I scheduled an appointment for Tuesday on the following week.

I took a faster bus/train combination on the way home and found that I had a lot of energy, my wife picked me up and took me to the Provo Rec Center for a Turbo Kick with an Insanity twist since the instructor, Shelby was substitute teacher. I had drank a juice before work and ate a salad for lunch and had the most energy ever during this workout.

The train was late and I ended up arriving late on the third day, at 8:20 am. I finally got a cord that connected the external monitor to the docking station. We had a team meeting and I was introduced to about 20 coworkers. My supervisor almost skipped having everyone introduce themselves because I probably wouldn't remember any names. During the meeting, we talked about requirements for a new application to help with home visits. I noticed that no one took much interest in me as they filed out of the room. I reviewed template and some documents. After lunch in the cafeteria, I visited the gym and stretched out for a few minutes.

When I returned to my desk, I reviewed the Service Now Stage application when the ProKarma agent approached me with someone from HR. She was nervous and asked me to follow her. We entered the HR office, and she announced that the LDS Church didn't feel I was a good fit and my position was terminated immediately. I felt terrible but didn't say anything except to myself. I was escorted back to my desk to collect my items, surrendered my key card and was escorted to the front door. I walked to the curb and realized that I still had 2 hours before the bus would arrive. I returned to the lobby and told the receptionist that I needed to stay here for a little longer since I had no way to get home. I overheard security ask the receptionist, "isn't that the guy we fired today?" I went to the Employment Resources office and talked with a couple of counselors. I was almost reduced tears. It helped to see their reaction when I told them my story. At least I felt a little less like a loser.

I was disappointed with the on boarding process, the lack of empathy and unrealistic expectations. Can you feel the love? NO. I was not given a fair chance to do anything except set up my work station. I do not know why I was terminated and felt abused. I feel depressed and wonder what I did wrong. As I review the situation in my mind, I entertain different possibilities such as my supervisor didn't like me? I feel like giving up.

Suggestions for on-boarding:

• Provision new email accounts to automatically send a set of helpful emails such as
• how to set up your telephone voice mail
• how to log your time on the timekeeping system
• a list of commonly used phone numbers, intranet, and wiki web sites
• a list of abbreviations, jargon specific to the company
• Managers, instead of saying, "Let me know if you need help with anything..." assign someone from the team to help connect the workstation, phone and internet services
• Provide a simplified map to the restroom, elevator/stairs and exits in case a fire alarm goes off

 Suggestions for off-boarding:

• Ask if there is transportation available at the time of exit
• Offer a bottle of water (mouth goes dry from being stressed)
• Suggest readily available resources for help with finding new employment

What I learned from Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Humpty Dumpty and Alice. From Through the Looking-Glass. Illustration by John Tenniel.

The wall represents pride and as the saying goes, pride comes before the fall. The anthropomorphic egg represents how fragile life really is. We are only a few breaths away from eternity. All of the king's horses and all the king's men represents all of the medical practitioners. Here is my rewritten version of this nursery rhyme:

Humpty Dumpty ran on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
And all the doctors and all the nurses
couldn't put Humpty together again


Humpty Dumpty did not despair
Humpty Dumpty fell into prayer
All of Gods grace, and so much faith
helped put Humpty back together again.

After chemotherapy, the tumor had receded to a much smaller size and shape. I had blood tests every few weeks at first and then the interval went to 6 weeks. The surgeon delayed the surgery to consult with other oncologists and surgeons at a conference. He told us that my case was unusual and that the indicators didn't seem to be dropping as fast as the clinical model he consulted said it should.

One  of the concerns I have with medical practice is the rigid adherence to following a clinical model. They rely on clinical trials performed previously and follow a treatment plan that matches the model. The oncologist was troubled when I did anything that varied from their treatment plan. For example, when my white blood cell counts (neutrophils) dropped too low, treatment would be delayed. There was a high risk of infection. One treatment option to bring the white blood cell count back up was to receive a blood transfusion. I didn't want a blood transfusion. I was afraid that I might get something more than some more white blood cells. I know the risk was low. I told the oncologist that I was going to consume 4-8 TBS of chlorophyll per day. He didn't know what chlorophyll was or the benefits of chlorophyll. The oncologist was worried that this might interfere with the chemotherapy treatment. Chlorophyll is why plants are green. Chlorophyll is what absorbs energy from the sun to facilitate photosynthesis in plants. chlorophyll is similar in composition to that of human blood, with one difference; the central atom in chlorophyll is magnesium, while iron is central in human blood. I believed that chlorophyll would help stimulate the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. It seemed to work since over a weekend, I would recover sufficiently to continue treatment.

The treatment plan didn't address some of the other issues that had arisen. I had terrible back pain. I complained of this pain everyone but no one offered any explanation and frankly, I don't think they even cared. Each practitioner looks at the same CT scan and only sees what is relevant to them. It annoyed me that I had to go see an Orthopedic surgeon to be told that the Lumbar 1 and 2 vertebrae had lost height, one had lost 75% and the other 50%. I was flabbergasted and upset that several surgeons, oncologists, and others had failed to mention that fact. They simply didn't really care that I was in severe pain because of a condition unrelated to the cancer. But wait, the condition was caused by the tumor crushing the vertebrae and the chemotherapy had made it worse. My shoulders were rounding and I couldn't stand up straight. My arms and shoulders were a mess. It was getting to be difficult to walk.

Humpty Dumpty was not being put together again.