Confronting Death

In my meditation time over the past few days, I've been seeing the grim reaper. As I close my eyes and my mind's eye opens I see the grim reaper. He is standing there close watching me. I don't feel any ill will or fear. I'm reminded of times when I approached deer grazing in the field. They will raise their head and look at me curiously and after a time will lower their head to continue pulling up grass.

In the past week, I've noticed that I've seen myself being shot, staring at a hill side and sometimes a blank wall. Am I afraid of death? No, not really but I hate leaving such a mess. I have too many debts unpaid, misunderstood cues taken, lives I might still be able to influence for good.

A few years ago, I was sitting on a chair barely able to breathe. Standing up for 10 seconds was a challenge because I would get dizzy from lack of oxygen. The CT scan results said I either had lung cancer or it was just a side effect from one of the chemo drugs. It left me devastated. The grim reaper was dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging around his neck. It has had an effect on my thinking and cognitive functions as well. I struggle a little with forming a cohesive sentence before the next idea comes barging in and wants to take it's place. The meditation, prayer and quiet time has helped me to bring back the concentration.

Running, swimming or biking for an hour helps to quiet the mind as well. The muscles are aching and soon all I can think about is pushing the next cycle or taking my next breath.

When confronting the prospect of my death, it brought up questions of  what affairs do I need to put in order? What will my wife and kids do when I'm gone? Is there something I forgot to do that will make a difference? The questions centered on what will happen to those I leave more than do I fear the passing into the next life.