Finding my Courage

I have been searching for my courage. The will to write that novel that I know that I could, go out on my own to establish my business, LogIntuit. Fulfill my destiny. In the past 7 months, no one will hire me. I have applied for over a 100 jobs, interviewed dozens of times but the door is closed again and again.

Recently, I wrote a 560 word article about a bowling alley that will be published in a local paper and did it for free. I feel exhilarated, excited and can't wait to write another article. I don't care if I get paid, I just need to write. It is a fire that will not be ignored. I can't sit still, I twitch with a nervous tick as ideas desire to be recorded. I wrote another article today, The Confidence to Network. I think it is good writing.

I suppose it has always been in my blood to write. I remember as a five year old hoarding paper. I would gather all of the paper I could find in the house, in boxes, drawers and collect it in my room. I taught myself to write in cursive lettering before I started kindergarten. I began writing before I learned to read. It was just in my psyche that I had something to record.

The tumor has began a new stage. I can feel it in my back, it aches sometimes like it is communicating with me. What is it saying? It seems to be teaching me who I really am and what I need to be doing. It swells, aches or recedes as I behave in certain ways. I have some wonderful stories that need to be told. Sometimes I hear them talking among themselves plotting how to escape from my head. Maybe they have found a way to get me to humble myself, take a space of time to rethink what I am going to do. No one is certain that it is going to work, it is so risky--I might die. The tumor continues to respond to food choices, emotions, thoughts. It seems to get better when I act or behave in a certain way and it grows irate when I choose poorly. It's feedback is clear.