And then my Doctor Walks by

Five months ago, I started following my wife to her fitness classes at the Provo Rec Center. At first she was a little hesitant about my accompanying her to the Barre class. I realized that this is a "girls club". For example, I once made a comment about how my wife was struggling with that time of the month and one of the ladies chastised me for my insensitive remark saying, we can hold you down while she punches you. I was really careful about talking about anything feminine after that. I showed the instructor, my wife and other participants the utmost respect and I fit in fine. The whispers and comments about a "man" coming to the class quieted down. My strength and flexibility have improved greatly since attending the class three times a week.

Today while we waited, someone walked up to me, extended her hand and said, "you look great!", she smiled and shook my hand. I didn't recognize that this was Lisa Stubbs, my primary care giver! She was the doctor that diagnosed cancer. She stands before me as an attractive and beautiful person and after opening this can of worms this morning that lead to feeling explosive anger and frustration. Can you see the dichotomy? She has a family, works out and really cared. She saw that my life was in peril and she did everything she could to help me. Sending me to the cancer ward was the best she could do at the time. I saw another side of her that I couldn't see when she was dressed in a doctors gown. This experience was a total pattern interrupt!

I want to let go of these feelings. I pray to God to fill my heart with charity, the pure love of Christ. I seek to rise, to overcome despair but the feelings rise up as I relive events. The story that has unfolded over a two year period rushes up like a storm to shake and buffet me. Much like the person suffering from PTSD; I get a little aggressive. The daily workouts help me to put that energy to good use. I also clean the house, the garage, the bathrooms to calm me down and to avoid compounding problems.

Since I was dismissed from a job a few weeks ago, something inside me screams, STEP IT UP! I want to cry but I can't. The tears are locked behind a door while the pressure mounts...