What in the hell is wrong with you?!

Glad you asked. Sometimes I wake up with a persistent belief that I'm going no where and that somehow I don't deserve to be loved. That I'm a coward with no purpose in life. I am swiftly moving down a road to ruination. I have lost some precious parts of myself in a fight to stay alive or at least I believed that when surgeons cut into me.

I'm never allowed to really say what I think, so I write it down in journals and read aloud the latest news. I'm disturbed by my lack of faith in things that I once held so dear. That immutable belief in myself and that I could do anything has been shattered. I pick up the pieces in an attempt to put it all back together again. Now there are too many things to pick up and I'm tired and it takes longer to do most things that were so easy to do before.

Why is my mouth red like I just drank blood? Well you see, that is the juice of beets that I drink to revitalize my kidneys and to shrink a tumor. Oh and did I mention that I still have a large tumor mass in my back? I swear the radiologist just about shit his pants when he looked over my CT scan! Oh and my goodness, the doctor thought I was in immediate peril and had me committed to the cancer ward on the 9th floor. I didn't feel like taking a 10,000 a day room just so they could say, I'm sorry, I really can't help you. *@%! you! You jerks are all about the money. And what about all those organizations that start calling to ask for donations to help pay for cancer treatment? I still can't pay for my own treatment and when I checked I couldn't find any money from them, so **** you too!