Fear is in me, around me and moves though me. I'm starting to notice that I do not feel safe while working out lately or going to church meetings. The feelings of uncertainty have been growing stronger. As I entered the Rec center today, the gate closed on me. It closed on me like a pincer, the glass panels squeezing me while an alarm sounded. I stood there in disbelief for a moment and then I felt rage. It reinforced the sense of fear that the world is out to get me. I laugh at this paranoia because basically it is true, an accepted fact that the world is a dangerous place. It takes courage and faith to push forward and despite car accidents, being shot, sexually assaulted or contracting a life threatening illness, there is a lot of good in the world too.
I didn't feel safe in the Barre class this morning. Surrounded by a number of people that seem indifferent and cold... I walked home and laid down to rest. I closed my eyes and it felt like someone picked me up and held me like a child. I felt that warm reassurance of love and safety I remember when being held by my mother and father. The cares of the world dropped away. It was a moment of quiet solitude, a small break from fears. God comforts me.
A psalm I wrote:
Oh Jesus,
How do I please you. before the day is gone?
What do I do when the tears won't come,
and to wake to find that you're not there?
I know thou art my redeemer
Thy kind, and loving words,
gives me purpose to live; loves me to the end.
and I know; brings me safely home.
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