Gaining Traction

I will return to work as a Senior Information Developer on January 4, 2016. I am grateful for the 3 month contract. I will continue searching for longer term employment.

I'm gaining traction. It has been 1 month since I felt the tumor in my abdomen. I have been going to bed at 9:30 pm and waking up at 5-6 am for a month. I find it interesting how my body cues me when it is time for sleep. I feel my mind slowly wind down, my muscles relax and there is the peaceful bliss waiting for me. As it comes time to wake up around 5 am, I can feel my body temperature rise. My mind starts to wind up into gear and I start recounting for what I am grateful. First off, I really like waking up in a warm space. I like how my feet feel touching the soft carpeted floor. I'm usually thirsty so I enjoy a glass of water and find myself thinking about how good the water tastes. I look in the bathroom mirror and I try to laugh at whatever goofy style my hair has been set during the night. Sometimes, I'm tempted to let it stay but I pick up a comb and put it all back into place. Nothing is quite so wonderful as a shower. I whisper thank you for the option to take it as cold or as hot as I like. I recall the times during winter that I showered with cold water in a freezing cold bathroom. When I turned the water on, the pipes crackled as they broke the ice. I worked up a sweat before showering and as the water hit me, the space would fog up. I am grateful for health; Gerson Therapy works. This is a good day to live.

The Never Ending Questions

I went through several rounds of interviews with the LDS Riverton Office, waited for 3 months as they strung me along. I had been applying and interviewing every week but no one extended an offer. I started my new role as a Technical Writer and I barely get my workstation set up and was discharged with no clue as to why. I was simply marched to the HR office, given a statement that I didn't fit in and that my employment was terminated. I was then escorted down stairs and pushed out the door. I walked outside to the bus stop. It was 1:00 p.m. and the next bus came at 3:00 p.m. I had no where to go, so I returned through the front doors. I advised the receptionist that the next bus was not due for another 2 hours.

I was rejected, pushed out and told I was NOT welcome here. I wish they had offered some pittance, such as a bottle of water? Maybe suggest I visit the employment resource center that was located near the lobby. Thanks to this event, I may lose my unemployment assistance. I reported in my weekly unemployment filing that I started a job and was discharged. I had to answer questions to the effect that I did nothing illegal and I didn't know why I was discharged and that I don't know what I could have done differently to avoid dismissal.

I feel like I've been rejected by the Church; that I'm not wanted. Another nail driven into the coffin. I feel humiliated.  It has been five months of going deeper into debt in a series of financial setbacks such as a dishonest eBay buyer from Japan who cheated us out of $600 and a dozen other little things. I fear I will lose the house. The stress has caused the tumor to swell. I can feel the tumor ache and there was a distinct loss of heat in the abdominal region. I often feel like giving up, just stop eating. What if I prayed that God take me? I'm reminded of a scene from Forrest Gump with little Jenny kneeling in the corn field pleading, "Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here." I question my purpose. Now I'm tortured with never ending musings on what I did or did not do to fit in or what I could have done differently. It is a kind of hell where I'm stuck in a never ending loop.