Keep the Sabbath Day Holy

God, in his mercy and love for us, set aside one day to rest from our labors. Sunday sabbath day observance is part of my cancer treatment plan.  On Sunday, I spend time with family, visit with friends, read scriptures, and rest. It is a day to strengthen my connection with God. However, lately it has been a challenge to attend church meetings.

While seated in sacrament meeting, I often ponder the meaning of my life. I've been struggling with my purpose and direction. I have not been able to find a job for most of this year. I closed my eyes, and a scene opened up in front of me. I saw a lonely hillside like this picture in my minds eye. The ground is covered in grass and short shrubs. My prayers and contemplation reveal little that I understand and sometimes the images are disturbing.

My daughter received her Young Woman Medallion today. She completed her young woman personal progress. She completed this early since she is still 14 years old. This award recognizes her worthiness and completion of all the Personal Progress requirements. She has committed to keeping the commandments, serving others, and developing and sharing her gifts and talents. She has been a good example of keeping the sabbath day holy.

We had an open house and many of the other young women, leaders and neighbors came over for a visit. Elena shared the various projects that she completed for her personal progress. She helped prepare dinner meals for the family for 2 weeks, helped clear a large tree from our yard and made her own staff from a branch of that tree, and composed a musical piece for performance. It was a very nice feeling in the room and I was touched by the love and fellowship. I recognize how important it is to love your neighbors, to serve them and to stay vigilant. 

Eating Whole Grain breads

I attended several classes with Chef Brad teaching about the virtues of grains, especially when used in baking a loaf of bread. Since then, I have baked a half dozen loaves of bread. Not wanting to see any of it go to waste, I promised myself I would eat any mistakes. My first attempt using spelt, brown rice and Kamut flours mixed with a few cups of bread flour was eaten within 2 hours! My next attempt had too many whole grain flours, 5 to be exact, and didn't have the same appeal. The first thing I noticed about eating whole grain bread is that it is very filling. It is also a bit of a challenge to digest at first. I believe that the digestive tract needs to adjust before it can digest food in an optimal manner. One episode of diarrhea and then after that smooth sailing. I noticed that I felt calmer and didn't feel hungry for most of the day. I had to eat a little slower, chewing each bite with some care because it is a fiber rich food.

During the class, I heard that eating with more whole grains in your diet will rid your body of disease. I thought, hmmm...I've been trying to rid my body of cancer. I can try this out and see how well it works. 

Extraordinary Rehydration Juice

Vanessa Joy, a musician I follow on Facebook posted a recipe with celery, cucumber, Granny Smith apple and ginger. I wondered if it tastes good? No way better to find out then give it a try, no? I juiced 5 stalks of celery, a huge cucumber, green apple and an ounce of ginger. I was surprised by the subtle flavor and then the slight burning aftertaste. In my reading of fantasy literature, this is what I imagine drinking something that an elf drank with a meal, a subtle bouquet of green leaves. I think it made me feel happy inside. This juice is really good for someone who is sensitive to ginger since the burning flavor is subdued. I researched the ingredients, you can click the links to read it too, and many of them are helpful to keep cancer away.

This juice is an excellent source of potassium and other electrolytes making it a great drink after a workout!

Bake bread stay healthy

Good food is a critical part of my cancer treatment. I avoid processed foods. No more hot dogs, soda, candy bars and cakes. Who am I kidding? I do indulge, just a lot less!

I attended Chef Brad's presentation about using grains in making bread. I ground up one cup of barley, a cup of Spelt, and a cup of brown rice with my Vita Mix blender. I mixed in an additional 3 cups of Turkey bread flour. I poured in a tablespoon of honey, a cup of evaporated milk, two eggs, two tablespoons yeast and 2 cups of water. I mixed the dough with a Kitchen Aid mixer.

This yielded 4 pounds of dough. The bread came out pretty good. Funny how the bread is very satisfying to eat. My wife and kids loved how good it tastes. It doesn't seem to last very long.

VASA Fitness 3 Day Trial

I visited two VASA fitness centers this week in Provo and Orem. I took the tour, attended a Zumba class and a Pilates class and had a 1 hour personal training session. I was impressed with the enthusiasm and showmanship of the Zumba instructors. These girls got up on stage and acted like rock stars. They were really into it and so were many of the young men and women around me flailing arms and legs, moving forward and then backwards, hooting and hollering while the music blared enough to leave me partially deaf for a couple of hours. I found myself trying my best to flow with the music and follow the dance moves as best that I could.

I made an appointment for a personal session the next day. The personal trainer I was scheduled to meet with had given notice a few minutes before I arrived. However, I was turned over to another trainer named Luke. He showed me some exercise routines, and we talked about some of my goals. I think we clicked. If I had the funds, I would have signed up for 3 sessions a week. The cost of 4,000 dollars for a year of personal training may seem like a lot but that is the cost of 1 "cheap" chemotherapy treatment. He had a friendly demeanor and demonstrated a level or professionalism that I really liked. I have built relationships with several people that have helped me to keep working out. I can't do this alone. To overcome my shame, I've openly admitted my weakness and sought to make it a strength.

I went into a 1 hour Pilates session with Angie. She was relentless in her workout demonstration! We focused on leg lifts and I went to exhaustion several times but I kept moving and doing the best that I could. I really felt the burn! I was impressed with her strength and then to hear that she did the same workout 3 times that day, I was amazed! This is what inspiration is made of. I know if she could do it, I could too if I kept at it long enough.

Enjoy Your Job Interview

I had a phone interview with Meridith from NetIQ tthis morning.  I enjoyed the conversation and I found myself thinking, I want to work for this company. It was refreshing to have an interview that didn't feel like I was a contestant on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

She asked about my experience working in an Agile development environment and the challenges to integrate a documentation team into this development strategy. Sometimes development has taken Agile to mean we don't need documentation. With a focus on communicating with customers, soliciting feedback in an incremental manner exposes the need for good requirements and "targeted" end user documentation.

Not all features in a software product need to be documented. It makes little sense to have help explaining to a user to enter their user name in a field that is already labeled, "user name". If only we could apply some of this common sense thinking in other areas of life.

Swimming the Lane

My swim was calming and refreshing. Life seems simpler when I start churning through the water completing laps, keeping count. The view of a blue floor and a painted line and others swimming nearby. My mind calmed down, and all I concentrated on was lengthening my legs and kicking consistently. Cramping was kept at bay and my energy levels were stable for the length of the swim. I felt safe again.

Psoas Release to Treat Cancer

I disrobed and lay on the table. Brad asks how my weekend went and I recount some of my adventures taking on the world. How I got chomped in a gate at the Rec center and the increasing levels of fear and feeling "I'm not safe!" He chuckles and listens with empathy. He applies a regimen of Young Living essential oils: Lemon, Lime and Orange on the feet, Lemongrass and Lavender oil on the chest. The oils are soothing and calming and it is a well established anchor that helps me feel secure. As he checks my muscles, he smooths out knots along my calves and thighs. His technique is firm and assuring. Over time, his treatment is much less painful then when I started. I would scream and sometimes cry but now it is a comfortable pain.

Today, he focused on the abdomen, "waking up the root" as he called it. He had me extend my arms and legs to check flexibility; the lower back has made some progress, yes! He performed a psoas muscle release, in which he puts pressure on points along the abdomen to lengthen the muscles. The psoas is an important muscle making it possible to run. It is rope-like muscle found deep in the abdomen and attaches to the spine and connects to the leg. It is joined at the hip by another muscle called the iliacus which travels from hip to thigh. It makes up a powerful hip flexor. A large tumor pressed up against the Psoas muscles.

The psoas is critical for good posture. Along with a coordinated team of core muscles, the psoas helps stabilize the abdominal region. Every time I stand, walk, or run, I'm engaging the psoas. Brad asks me to do the "worm" while laying down on the table. Funny story, at the conclusion of one of my appointments I did a wave like motion on the table like a worm with an impressive display of fluidity. We all laughed. Today my worm was a bit sub par.

My treatment plan includes a daily juice of carrots and apples, green smoothie and a daily workout session. In addition to checking tumor reduction, I have been gauging recovery by noting flexibility and strength. My ongoing sessions with Sports Massage Specialists has been a critical part of my holistic treatment plan. It has been a lot of work over the past year and I'm very happy with the results.

My Dog Walks Me

Jovi is a pure bred beagle. We adopted her about 6 years ago. She has always been a feisty girl, so I've had to be careful to keep her leashed. The past year or so she has mellowed and doesn't care so much for politics and who is in charge. She will steer clear of most encounters and stays close to me. She wakes up early to make sure I go out for a walk every morning. She seems to have it in her head that first light means time to go! It gets me out of bed and and walking or running, she doesn't mind.

Unfortunately, She has also developed a few tumors. It doesn't seem to be causing her any pain but it does make her look a little lop sided when she walks. I give her pieces of carrots to eat as snacks and I make sure to feed her small meals 3 times a day and take her out to walk a mile or two each day. I'm grateful for her patience with me and her quiet determination to make sure I keep exercising.

After the Fear, Comfort

Fear is in me, around me and moves though me. I'm starting to notice that I do not feel safe while working out lately or going to church meetings. The feelings of uncertainty have been growing stronger. As I entered the Rec center today, the gate closed on me. It closed on me like a pincer, the glass panels squeezing me while an alarm sounded. I stood there in disbelief for a moment and then I felt rage. It reinforced the sense of fear that the world is out to get me. I laugh at this paranoia because basically it is true, an accepted fact that the world is a dangerous place. It takes courage and faith to push forward and despite car accidents, being shot, sexually assaulted or contracting a life threatening illness, there is a lot of good in the world too.

I didn't feel safe in the Barre class this morning. Surrounded by a number of people that seem indifferent and cold... I walked home and laid down to rest. I closed my eyes and it felt like someone picked me up and held me like a child. I felt that warm reassurance of love and safety I remember when being held by my mother and father. The cares of the world dropped away. It was a moment of quiet solitude, a small break from fears. God comforts me.

A psalm I wrote:

Oh Jesus,
How do I please you. before the day is gone?
What do I do when the tears won't come,
and to wake to find that you're not there?

I know thou art my redeemer
Thy kind, and loving words,
gives me purpose to live; loves me to the end.
and I know; brings me safely home.

Living with a Tumor

I live with a tumor in my back. It is a tissue mass that was diagnosed as a germ cell from the testicles that migrated up the tubes and implanted in the lower back. I've wondered if I have a couple of extra pair of large testicles growing in my lower back. All those jokes about "growing a pair" and I might just have done that! The tumor mass has receded to the right side and occasionally it will bulge and feels like the top of a golf ball. It serves like a lodestone, it leads me eat better and exercise.

I was on full disability for over a year and started working full time in December but I was laid off near the end of February. I've been applying for at least 4 jobs each week, attending interviews and collecting unemployment. In that time, I've been learning to adjust to a new rhythm of life. I have tended several repairs to the house. I work out an hour each day with my wife. I juice fruit and vegetables and if I need some extra energy, I blend a green smoothie.

The tumor swells and recedes in response to what foods I eat and physical activities. If I choose to eat too much processed foods, it will swell. This puts pressure on my spine around lumbar 1 and 2 vertebrae. The pain can be excruciating. I work out for an hour each day. My goal is to stretch and strengthen muscles in my core, shoulders and back. 

Exercise helps to cleanse lymph nodes, release dopamine and other hormones which helps keep depression away. Swimming helps me to practice controlled breathing and is a form of mediation. The mind goes quiet and soon I've swam a mile and a half and the hour has past. Riding my bicycle allows me to enjoy fresh air and see something new. Running stimulates bone growth, especially in the back. 

My strength and flexibility continue to improve. I struggle with pulling my legs up 90 degrees. In most of my fitness classes such as Barre, the lower back yields a little more each week. I have regained improved posture and I can stand in line at the store for longer than 10 minutes without being in extreme pain.

  

He Wants my Flesh

I have been playing Skrim as myself, controlling an avatar that was summoned to Tamriel to test his mettle. I chose to develop restoration spells, to heal wounds, bolster confidence in others and call to them to battle. I prefer to avoid direct confrontation by developing skills in sneaking around unnoticed. I also developed illusion skills to confuse and misdirect enemies efforts to turn on themselves while I find a suitable vantage point to watch. I chose companions that would help me out when there was really no other option but fight.

I'm a bit of a vigilante at heart. While I sneak around to avoid detection, it is because I simply don't want to have to kill if I don't need to. I can do the job without a lot of mess. In Tamriel, the Dark Brotherhood is a guild of assassins. For a price, someone can perform a ritual called the dark sacrament to send an assassin to eliminate an enemy. In a quest called Innocence lost, an orphaned boy name Aventus Aretino performs the ritual in a desperate attempt to escape a cruel headmistress of the Orphanage.

I wanted to see if I could dissuade Aventus but he wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't an assassin from the Dark Brotherhood. I decided to pay a visit to Grelod the Kind. When I entered the orphanage, I noticed immediately the children were scared and cowed into submission. This head mistress spoke in harsh tones and I heard sounds that suggested physical abuse. When I confronted her about Aventus and his performing the dark sacrament, she struck out at me as if I was the assassin. Ironically, I was just trying to help her but in self defense, I struck back and that was her end.

The children gathered around but didn't seem too upset by what happened. Her hired assistant, Constance is is upset but doesn't report the incident to the guard and simply asks that I leave. I return to Aventus and tell him what happened. He is happy to hear that Grelod is gone.

I got a note a few days later from the Dark Brotherhood with a simple message, "we know". I wake up in a dusty shack the next day. I look up to see an assassin who says her name is Astrid, perched on a beam above me. She tells me why she brought me here and that she has taken three people hostage. She recounts to me that I completed a contract that I wasn't authorized to complete. To make up for this misunderstanding, she asks me to kill one of the hostages. She explains that each person deserves death. This is quite the conundrum because I want to keep my oath of peace; I don't want to kill. However, I know that if I don't kill one of the hostages, I will die. I decide that if I must kill, better to kill the assassin then potentially kill an innocent.

In my view, this was similar to a choice I had to make concerning cancer treatment. Do I undergo surgery to cut off a testicle or risk having the cancer spread to my lungs, heart and brain? I trusted the oncologist and the surgeons recommendation and went ahead with the surgery to fix an inguinal hernia and orcheotomy. The Oncologist insisted that there must be cancer in one or both of the testicles and that this was the only way to treat the cancer. After the test results came back, the tissue was cancer free. Do I trust anything else the oncologist or surgeon has to say?

The next recommended surgery in the treatment plan is to remove the left kidney along with the remaining tissue mass in the back and some lymph nodes and who knows what else? They seemed very greedy in their removal of healthy tissue. When I decide to forgo the surgery, the surgeon tells me that I'm certain to die if I don't follow through with this surgery. I protest, telling him that I am following a protocol of nutrition and cleansing that is reducing the mass and blood tests confirm that the cancer continues to be reduced. He doesn't care. He wants to cut my flesh, remove essential organs and leave me scarred for life with a huge gash running all the way up the front of my body. In addition, the surgery will put me much further into debt. I still haven't paid off all of the treatment I've already undergone. Insurance paid for most of it but I still have a sizable out of pocket to pay.

I'm angry and scared. I don't feel safe in any part of my life. I've been violated, I've been poisoned and I'm weak. I struggle to regain the strength I once had. I parted ways with the surgeon, oncologist and nurse practitioners. The price they demand is too high. Instead I juice beets, carrots, apples, ginger, turmeric and a lemon every day. I blend spinach, kale, apple and assorted frozen fruit into a green smoothie for lunch. I crave junk food and I give into these cravings from time to time. The tumor swells when I do and my energy levels drop. I worry that I'm screwed. I need to condition myself to see some foods for what they truly are, a threat to my health and well being. Dressed in colorful packages with chemically enhanced and genetically modified ingredients that my body can't handle.

Skyrim Fellowship

As part of my recovery process, I have played video games. I do a lot of thinking while working to complete a quest. I created a character in Skyrim that looked a lot like me, and gave him my name, Allen. On this play through, my goal was to play as if I was summoned to the land of Tamriel and play as true to my personal values and beliefs as possible.

I observed the oath of peace as stated in the story of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever:

"Do not hurt where holding is enough;
Do not wound where hurting is enough;
Do not maim where wounding is enough;
and kill not where maiming is enough;
The greatest warrior is he who does not need to kill"

I installed a mod to the game that added characters from the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. I started the quest, "Way of the Voice". I needed to visit a sequestered group of monks called Graybeards. The monastery is located on a mountain peak called High Hrothgar. The path to the monastery consists of 7,000 steps. I was running as fast as I could to avoid wolves and startled pilgrims when I saw a group of adventurers seated around a campfire. It was fun to choose from this venerable company a set of companions.

I asked Merry, Aragorn, and Gandolf to join me. I chose each character for different reasons. I think Merry stole the show in the first Lord of the Rings movie. Like me, he loves fresh vegetables, things that go boom and his curiosity can get him into trouble. I've linked to 3 video clips from YouTube that show Mery absconding some fresh produce from Farmer Maggot, setting off fireworks, and of course that scene with a frustrated Gandolf says "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity."

I chose Gandolf because of his humility and sense of justice. He is a wizard struggling with a mission to complete and even when killed is brought back to fulfill his destiny. His strength is centered in his self-control and mastery of mystic energies that he channels through a staff and the relationships he has forged with dwarves, hobbits, moths and giant Eagles. He is also a brave warrior that can face down balrogs, evil wizards and orcs.

I chose Aragorn because even though he is scorned by his country men, thrown off cliffs, and confused about his destiny, he manages to make good on his promises to Arwen, his elven beloved. He is a strong and cunning fighter who manages to keep hope alive despite the grim outlook at each turn in his quest.

In the game, Merry, Gandolf and Aragon are ready to help me take down enemies that seem to pop up everywhere. Along the trail, I try to sneak past a snow troll but he detects me and usually I have to run. However, with these new friends, I score an easy victory. When facing a difficult situation, always make sure to call on friends to face your enemy.

And then my Doctor Walks by

Five months ago, I started following my wife to her fitness classes at the Provo Rec Center. At first she was a little hesitant about my accompanying her to the Barre class. I realized that this is a "girls club". For example, I once made a comment about how my wife was struggling with that time of the month and one of the ladies chastised me for my insensitive remark saying, we can hold you down while she punches you. I was really careful about talking about anything feminine after that. I showed the instructor, my wife and other participants the utmost respect and I fit in fine. The whispers and comments about a "man" coming to the class quieted down. My strength and flexibility have improved greatly since attending the class three times a week.

Today while we waited, someone walked up to me, extended her hand and said, "you look great!", she smiled and shook my hand. I didn't recognize that this was Lisa Stubbs, my primary care giver! She was the doctor that diagnosed cancer. She stands before me as an attractive and beautiful person and after opening this can of worms this morning that lead to feeling explosive anger and frustration. Can you see the dichotomy? She has a family, works out and really cared. She saw that my life was in peril and she did everything she could to help me. Sending me to the cancer ward was the best she could do at the time. I saw another side of her that I couldn't see when she was dressed in a doctors gown. This experience was a total pattern interrupt!

I want to let go of these feelings. I pray to God to fill my heart with charity, the pure love of Christ. I seek to rise, to overcome despair but the feelings rise up as I relive events. The story that has unfolded over a two year period rushes up like a storm to shake and buffet me. Much like the person suffering from PTSD; I get a little aggressive. The daily workouts help me to put that energy to good use. I also clean the house, the garage, the bathrooms to calm me down and to avoid compounding problems.

Since I was dismissed from a job a few weeks ago, something inside me screams, STEP IT UP! I want to cry but I can't. The tears are locked behind a door while the pressure mounts...

What in the hell is wrong with you?!

Glad you asked. Sometimes I wake up with a persistent belief that I'm going no where and that somehow I don't deserve to be loved. That I'm a coward with no purpose in life. I am swiftly moving down a road to ruination. I have lost some precious parts of myself in a fight to stay alive or at least I believed that when surgeons cut into me.

I'm never allowed to really say what I think, so I write it down in journals and read aloud the latest news. I'm disturbed by my lack of faith in things that I once held so dear. That immutable belief in myself and that I could do anything has been shattered. I pick up the pieces in an attempt to put it all back together again. Now there are too many things to pick up and I'm tired and it takes longer to do most things that were so easy to do before.

Why is my mouth red like I just drank blood? Well you see, that is the juice of beets that I drink to revitalize my kidneys and to shrink a tumor. Oh and did I mention that I still have a large tumor mass in my back? I swear the radiologist just about shit his pants when he looked over my CT scan! Oh and my goodness, the doctor thought I was in immediate peril and had me committed to the cancer ward on the 9th floor. I didn't feel like taking a 10,000 a day room just so they could say, I'm sorry, I really can't help you. *@%! you! You jerks are all about the money. And what about all those organizations that start calling to ask for donations to help pay for cancer treatment? I still can't pay for my own treatment and when I checked I couldn't find any money from them, so **** you too!

March of the Patriarchs

I lay on my Laz-boy chair and I can barely stay awake. I can barely stay conscious as I listen to my mother, sister and aunt converse around me. I feel like I'm dying, it is dark. As my mother gets up to leave the room, my vision opens up to the farm back home in Oregon. The sunshine is streaming down and there is a gentle breeze in the air. I feel tears flowing from my eyes and my mother takes notice and asks if I'm okay. She wonders if I'm sad that she is leaving. I start to narrate what I see.

Tables that are hundreds of feet long are covered with white satin table cloths. There are silver plate settings with delicious foods placed in the center. Seated at the tables are scores of family members spanning generations. The living and the dead meeting together for a grand family reunion. All are dressed in fine linen of the whitest color and softest texture. There is a dais with thrones and standing are men of great knowledge, righteousness and power. Their faces radiate a calm certainty and joy. One is holding a large scroll and another displays small stones of curious texture. They speak with wondrous words that fill my soul with joy. I feel love and a presence that cannot be denied.

When the meal concludes, I look up and notice that the sky is overcast with clouds. As sunlight dims, light comes up from the ground. Everyone gathers in circles of six and dance in a choreographed progression until everyone has faced one another. Words are not spoken but communication is expressed through movement and gestures. There are introductions, life stories, and expressions of love. Each generation is connected to the next with a special reckoning. My heart burns with rapture. I understand answers to many questions. Many share similar struggles and joys. We join together in a long line of associations that enriches our shared experiences. All united in a joyful celebration of love, life and fidelity.

Once the dancing concludes, a reverent hush falls. One of the patriarchs opens a scroll and reads from it aloud. His words are inspiring and fill my heart with pronouncements and admonitions. He shares stories of long ages past, and forgotten lore. A gathering will occur on this land to bring together my family. I bow my head and say a simple prayer, "let it be so."

My Second Wind and Insanity Workout

I have been attending a class at the Provo Recreation Center called Insanity. The program uses a system of interval training that has you work as hard as you can for 3-minute intervals, with 30-second periods of rest in between. The atmosphere is charged with high fives and encouragement from instructors and other participants. Working out to rousing music and the blare of alarms to cue you when it is time to take a break, get some water and wipe the sweat off your face. I lose up to 3 lbs of water during a session!

Felicia Hurst and Dave Borland took me under their wing and have encouraged me to push my limits. I have almost fainted several times from the exertion of the workout. After working out with these instructors I felt safe enough to push right up to the limits of my strength and endurance. As the adrenaline rises, I sometimes see black spots, muscles burn from the exertion and I nearly faint.

However, encouragement sometimes turns to alarm and I have to reassure them that "I'm okay." I understand that this is what it takes to get my lungs to increase their capacity to absorb oxygen. The medical term is volume of oxygen or VO2. When I trained in previous years, I used intense interval training to raise my VO2 to a measured level of 89. Now I feel like I'm probably around 25. I used to run the trails up Mount Timpanogas; two hours up and two hours back down, a 19 mile round trip.

Dave has moved and Felicia has continued leading the charge. Last night was significant because I got my second wind for the first time since I started my post cancer workout rehabilitation. It is a milestone for me. I have only experienced this before when running long distances.

I took two supplements before my workout: Hammer Endurolyte and Race Caps Supreme. These supplements help to reduce muscle fatigue and increase workload capacity. I've been nervous about taking supplements again because of the tumor. I noticed that the tumor had receded last night during the workout and after.

Thanks to Felicia, a beautiful and talented athlete who I respect and admire. She helped me to push through the inertia of depression and despair.

Tidying up the garage

I am tidying up the garage this week, turning out the shelves and throwing away stuff. I usually do this once a year to check on food storage, 72 hour kits and to organize camping equipment, and tools. I haven't done this for two years. It has been a lower priority since my energy levels started to  dwindle. Many projects had to be put on hold.

I often feel powerless; like when I struggled to stand up for 10 seconds because I got dizzy. Gradually, I've been pulling myself together to start making progress and to put my house back in order. The lawn mower will not start. I've taken it apart several times and I believe it is because the gas intake is clogged. I've been digging out tree roots that have now sprouted into 5 foot saplings. I'm chopping out the roots with a pick ax. It has helped me to gauge how well my back has been healing. I installed a lamp next to my wife's side of the bed. It felt good to see her using the lamp, lying comfortably perched under the soft light reading a Ladies Home Journal magazine. It was an easy thing to do but it took me over 15 years to finally get it installed.

I have felt my heartstrings pulled during this ordeal; a mix of anger, sadness, fear that the cancer might be reasserting itself. When I've felt like giving up, I think about how far I've come and start counting my blessings. I have a wife who has supported me through a tough time, three children who are talented, a job that provided short and long term disability benefits. I had time to complete a 12 week round of chemotherapy, undergo surgeries and then recover from a broken back. Daily regimens that require juicing fresh fruits and vegetables, enemas, and physical therapy. Friendly neighbors who offer a listening ear, and help out.

Life on Carterville Park

I live in a great neighborhood. A quiet peaceful place where you know almost everyone's name. There is a spacious park that has pavilions, bar-b-q racks, volleyball net, track, open space for pickup games of football. You see almost everyone at church on Sunday. People care and notice when you are struggling and often offer support and help to keep you going.

Sunday, a kindly couple came to share counsel. They took an hour to come over and share their experiences and how they handled a situation similar to mine. It was comforting and by the time they were to leave, I wanted to give them both a hug. I felt uplifted and inspired. Later in the day, my bishop dropped by for a visit. We pulled up a couple of chairs on the front porch and I talked...a lot. He listened and asked me a few questions like, "Where do you turn for comfort?" I paused a moment and thought about it and I answered that I turned to friends and family. I pointed out that I have some exceptional neighbors. I talked about how grateful I was for many of the kindnesses shown to me and related how I had been able to do the same for many of them as well. I shared that I posted a lot of my feelings on a blog and shared it on Facebook. I mentioned that it was interesting to receive encouragement and comfort from high school friends. I told him how astonished I was at the love and consideration shown to me while I was fighting cancer. There are so many opportunities to do good if we just give ourselves and others a chance. 

Sometimes, we aren't given much of a chance. We start with good intentions to serve in a job and before we do anything, we are kicked out the door. Other times we are minding our own business and someone steals our identity. We all at one time or another get kicked, harassed and embarrassed. My faith in God and his word has been strengthened. We all need something to believe in to make it. I realize how important it is to stay the course, do not despair. Jesus Christ has suffered all things for us and he does not leave us without comfort. I pray, read scriptures, write in a personal journal and above all I talk to friends and family. I hope I'm half as good a listener as I am a talker.