Trust Issues

I lost some things during my struggle with cancer. I lost faith in the medical practitioners who I trusted to help me survive a large tumor growing out of control in my abdomen. My growing frustration lead me to start asking questions that didn't have easy answers. They removed tissue that the oncologist insisted had cancer but when the tissue was tested it came back with no cancerous cells. Now they insisted that the tumor, some lymph nodes and the left kidney needed to be removed. The surgery would leave me with a large set of scars running from the pubis to the top of my chest. I looked up a picture and shuddered when I saw it. As i started looking for alternatives, I turned my trust to a Dr. Gerson who devised a therapy to cure cancer. His methods are relatively simple but require faith and trust. I continued to be tested and the results showed that I was getting better and the tumor was shrinking. The problem came when the surgeon and oncologist refused to acknowledge that the treatment was working and insisted that I would die if I refused the surgery.

During my interview with Adobe, I've been asked several questions and I feel like I'm doing well. He has sandy blonde hair and looks to be a man in his early 30's. He looks up at me and asks if I have some writing samples he can review. I hand him a writing sample to peruse and after a few minutes,he asks, "how do I know these writing samples are really yours?" I don't know what to say, he questions my integrity? I confirm that these documents are indeed my work. I wonder to myself if I'm going to need a notary public. This question was asked in another interview from another interview with Venafi. The

Why so angry I want to curse

Do you ever feel the desire to curse someone? It steals your peace and makes you frown and feel badly?

I feel like there is no other way but to say the name I hate the most and to you I say go to hell.

Meet you there, but then I'd rather not his anger his feelings must change I pray and I I set up my mind but it still remains the effect--I am still angry, I go quiet and peaceful and then it rages.

Sitting alone in my space I am alone the chair beckons me to return, take my place. I can't breathe, I can't eat, my life, hopeless. I have lost my dream.

Turning inward, I see visions  of far away places  Skies that are clear and some, full of stars. I go inward deeper, until I can't hear anything but the steady rhythm of life.

Gaining Traction

I will return to work as a Senior Information Developer on January 4, 2016. I am grateful for the 3 month contract. I will continue searching for longer term employment.

I'm gaining traction. It has been 1 month since I felt the tumor in my abdomen. I have been going to bed at 9:30 pm and waking up at 5-6 am for a month. I find it interesting how my body cues me when it is time for sleep. I feel my mind slowly wind down, my muscles relax and there is the peaceful bliss waiting for me. As it comes time to wake up around 5 am, I can feel my body temperature rise. My mind starts to wind up into gear and I start recounting for what I am grateful. First off, I really like waking up in a warm space. I like how my feet feel touching the soft carpeted floor. I'm usually thirsty so I enjoy a glass of water and find myself thinking about how good the water tastes. I look in the bathroom mirror and I try to laugh at whatever goofy style my hair has been set during the night. Sometimes, I'm tempted to let it stay but I pick up a comb and put it all back into place. Nothing is quite so wonderful as a shower. I whisper thank you for the option to take it as cold or as hot as I like. I recall the times during winter that I showered with cold water in a freezing cold bathroom. When I turned the water on, the pipes crackled as they broke the ice. I worked up a sweat before showering and as the water hit me, the space would fog up. I am grateful for health; Gerson Therapy works. This is a good day to live.

Challenges of Living with Cancer

My dentist, Eric Vogel died a few weeks ago. Cancer formed in his jaw. He underwent rounds of chemotherapy,  surgeries but the cancer kept coming back. He was a gifted dentist, he worked fast and efficient. While I was undergoing my own struggle with chemo treatments, he prayed and stood up for me. We had conversations over the telephone and helped calm my fears and inspired me to hope. When I was down, his concern and love was touching. He reassured me that it was worth the effort and time to find a way to heal. The long sleepless nights, restless days.

I check for signs the cancer is returning. The tumor is still felt in my back at times. It is a little lump that raises when I feel stressed, angry or sad. While running, I notice the tumor recedes.

Work out until I pass out

Assisted stretching hurts A LOT. I found my primal scream while being pulled, stretched and massaged over the past year. As I continue to attend fitness classes, I thank those beautiful instructors that get up and encourage me to push myself despite the pain. As I grimace, pass gas and push my limited volume of oxygen (VO2) to the point I almost pass out.

I celebrate when I feel a small improvement in flexibility in my lumbar spine. I am grateful that a tumor in my back continues to shrink and as it does so, it removes the choke hold on my lower back. I am grateful that I find it easier to stand up straight and that I can sit at a chair without pain.

Finding my Courage

I have been searching for my courage. The will to write that novel that I know that I could, go out on my own to establish my business, LogIntuit. Fulfill my destiny. In the past 7 months, no one will hire me. I have applied for over a 100 jobs, interviewed dozens of times but the door is closed again and again.

Recently, I wrote a 560 word article about a bowling alley that will be published in a local paper and did it for free. I feel exhilarated, excited and can't wait to write another article. I don't care if I get paid, I just need to write. It is a fire that will not be ignored. I can't sit still, I twitch with a nervous tick as ideas desire to be recorded. I wrote another article today, The Confidence to Network. I think it is good writing.

I suppose it has always been in my blood to write. I remember as a five year old hoarding paper. I would gather all of the paper I could find in the house, in boxes, drawers and collect it in my room. I taught myself to write in cursive lettering before I started kindergarten. I began writing before I learned to read. It was just in my psyche that I had something to record.

The tumor has began a new stage. I can feel it in my back, it aches sometimes like it is communicating with me. What is it saying? It seems to be teaching me who I really am and what I need to be doing. It swells, aches or recedes as I behave in certain ways. I have some wonderful stories that need to be told. Sometimes I hear them talking among themselves plotting how to escape from my head. Maybe they have found a way to get me to humble myself, take a space of time to rethink what I am going to do. No one is certain that it is going to work, it is so risky--I might die. The tumor continues to respond to food choices, emotions, thoughts. It seems to get better when I act or behave in a certain way and it grows irate when I choose poorly. It's feedback is clear.

Am I Cancer Free?

Most of us get sick with a flu, cold or some other ailment. It has a clear cycle and eventually, we move on. As I continue to juice fresh fruit and vegetables, exercise and monitor a tumor, I ask myself if I still have cancer? The blood tests would report that I have normal levels but there is still a small tissue mass that swells and recedes. As I stay away from processed foods and GMO the tumor continues to recede. You might think it is crazy that I can actually feel a tumor swell when I eat foods that contain GMO but I can say I have enough empirical evidence to ignore your doubt. I won't get in your face and draw skull and crossbones on food items with GMO ingredients. I deal with conflicted feelings. Do I have cancer? I suppose I do. It isn't a disability, it just motivates me to eat healthier, exercise and keep swimming.