Enough about that

Today was very productive, I had a really good day at work . I managed to make a lot of progress and I got some Pokemon. I've been thinking about anger and its relationship of getting a cancerous growth. I just can't help but wonder what I did wrong, how do I let go of these  stupid feelings,  the resentment I have for the doctors that I had to turn to, they helped me get through this but they took something away from me while giving me hope I felt lied to, a mistake in trusting them. sometimes but in trusting them, I survived but there was a point where I had to say you're full of it, what I was doing was working and they wouldn't acknowledge it. I had consider what was working and  wasn't , what was real and what was just basically making someone a helluva of a lot of money and so it's kind of ironic when you spent everything you have and even what you don't have your basically in debt up to your ears if someone calls ask for money how to help with cancer and when I say that I don't have any money or I don't want to  they pressed me for it so I end up saying f*** you and hang up the phone unbelievable you get the worst feelings for others sitting in church is torture then they try to give you a calling and you're too guilty to say that I'm sorry I don't have the strength to do this if they press you smile and said I truly do understand what you're going through how to say you're right so back off sucker and then I feel questioning whether I really still believe this crap but I still believe this cause I still want to serve and the answer comes down to know I really don't we get some part of me does he's just trying to resolve and figure out what it is that I really want I just can't figure out exactly how to come back from where I was if you lost my dreams are in ashes I don't have the same hope the same optimism I am still the brink of bankruptcy love is a little different matter as well I question where that love comes from you where it will go I find a little more callous and at the same time a little more sensitive and can't find what I want to do I finally found employment again I work for a great company I'm working hard I'm really trying and I'm just scared out of my wits the job is only for 3 months have to find a way to get them to come to extend me I try and I may succeed they do and I'm sending me at least for a while and then I still get relentless it's like a cancer it's kind of a as a side effect you left broke your left emotionally damaged and sometimes you just wonder if it's all worth it

strength training

My wife introduced me to her trainer. She volunteers at the gym and helps develop a workout plan.

We srarted out with running on the treadmill. I started out slow and moved it up to 9 and beyond and my heart rate got up to 161. I perceived a zone 4. I observed my rate went down in a normal way, i focused on relaxing and was able to slow respiration. 15 minutes. We did military press with each arm separately and the left arm was stronger. The left side lost out on the side lift using dumbbells, 10 lbs. Forward lifts lost too. I juiced and mixed Recoverite when i got home. Muscles are a little sore.

Sports massage with Brad was impressive. He had me plank for a minute, i made it to 57 seconds. Side plank for 15 seconds on both sides. After the massage, i did a plank for 1:30 minutes. I felt much stronget, muscles were working together.

Trust Issues

I lost some things during my struggle with cancer. I lost faith in the medical practitioners who I trusted to help me survive a large tumor growing out of control in my abdomen. My growing frustration lead me to start asking questions that didn't have easy answers. They removed tissue that the oncologist insisted had cancer but when the tissue was tested it came back with no cancerous cells. Now they insisted that the tumor, some lymph nodes and the left kidney needed to be removed. The surgery would leave me with a large set of scars running from the pubis to the top of my chest. I looked up a picture and shuddered when I saw it. As i started looking for alternatives, I turned my trust to a Dr. Gerson who devised a therapy to cure cancer. His methods are relatively simple but require faith and trust. I continued to be tested and the results showed that I was getting better and the tumor was shrinking. The problem came when the surgeon and oncologist refused to acknowledge that the treatment was working and insisted that I would die if I refused the surgery.

During my interview with Adobe, I've been asked several questions and I feel like I'm doing well. He has sandy blonde hair and looks to be a man in his early 30's. He looks up at me and asks if I have some writing samples he can review. I hand him a writing sample to peruse and after a few minutes,he asks, "how do I know these writing samples are really yours?" I don't know what to say, he questions my integrity? I confirm that these documents are indeed my work. I wonder to myself if I'm going to need a notary public. This question was asked in another interview from another interview with Venafi. The

Why so angry I want to curse

Do you ever feel the desire to curse someone? It steals your peace and makes you frown and feel badly?

I feel like there is no other way but to say the name I hate the most and to you I say go to hell.

Meet you there, but then I'd rather not his anger his feelings must change I pray and I I set up my mind but it still remains the effect--I am still angry, I go quiet and peaceful and then it rages.

Sitting alone in my space I am alone the chair beckons me to return, take my place. I can't breathe, I can't eat, my life, hopeless. I have lost my dream.

Turning inward, I see visions  of far away places  Skies that are clear and some, full of stars. I go inward deeper, until I can't hear anything but the steady rhythm of life.

Gaining Traction

I will return to work as a Senior Information Developer on January 4, 2016. I am grateful for the 3 month contract. I will continue searching for longer term employment.

I'm gaining traction. It has been 1 month since I felt the tumor in my abdomen. I have been going to bed at 9:30 pm and waking up at 5-6 am for a month. I find it interesting how my body cues me when it is time for sleep. I feel my mind slowly wind down, my muscles relax and there is the peaceful bliss waiting for me. As it comes time to wake up around 5 am, I can feel my body temperature rise. My mind starts to wind up into gear and I start recounting for what I am grateful. First off, I really like waking up in a warm space. I like how my feet feel touching the soft carpeted floor. I'm usually thirsty so I enjoy a glass of water and find myself thinking about how good the water tastes. I look in the bathroom mirror and I try to laugh at whatever goofy style my hair has been set during the night. Sometimes, I'm tempted to let it stay but I pick up a comb and put it all back into place. Nothing is quite so wonderful as a shower. I whisper thank you for the option to take it as cold or as hot as I like. I recall the times during winter that I showered with cold water in a freezing cold bathroom. When I turned the water on, the pipes crackled as they broke the ice. I worked up a sweat before showering and as the water hit me, the space would fog up. I am grateful for health; Gerson Therapy works. This is a good day to live.

Challenges of Living with Cancer

My dentist, Eric Vogel died a few weeks ago. Cancer formed in his jaw. He underwent rounds of chemotherapy,  surgeries but the cancer kept coming back. He was a gifted dentist, he worked fast and efficient. While I was undergoing my own struggle with chemo treatments, he prayed and stood up for me. We had conversations over the telephone and helped calm my fears and inspired me to hope. When I was down, his concern and love was touching. He reassured me that it was worth the effort and time to find a way to heal. The long sleepless nights, restless days.

I check for signs the cancer is returning. The tumor is still felt in my back at times. It is a little lump that raises when I feel stressed, angry or sad. While running, I notice the tumor recedes.

Work out until I pass out

Assisted stretching hurts A LOT. I found my primal scream while being pulled, stretched and massaged over the past year. As I continue to attend fitness classes, I thank those beautiful instructors that get up and encourage me to push myself despite the pain. As I grimace, pass gas and push my limited volume of oxygen (VO2) to the point I almost pass out.

I celebrate when I feel a small improvement in flexibility in my lumbar spine. I am grateful that a tumor in my back continues to shrink and as it does so, it removes the choke hold on my lower back. I am grateful that I find it easier to stand up straight and that I can sit at a chair without pain.