Finding my Courage

I have been searching for my courage. The will to write that novel that I know that I could, go out on my own to establish my business, LogIntuit. Fulfill my destiny. In the past 7 months, no one will hire me. I have applied for over a 100 jobs, interviewed dozens of times but the door is closed again and again.

Recently, I wrote a 560 word article about a bowling alley that will be published in a local paper and did it for free. I feel exhilarated, excited and can't wait to write another article. I don't care if I get paid, I just need to write. It is a fire that will not be ignored. I can't sit still, I twitch with a nervous tick as ideas desire to be recorded. I wrote another article today, The Confidence to Network. I think it is good writing.

I suppose it has always been in my blood to write. I remember as a five year old hoarding paper. I would gather all of the paper I could find in the house, in boxes, drawers and collect it in my room. I taught myself to write in cursive lettering before I started kindergarten. I began writing before I learned to read. It was just in my psyche that I had something to record.

The tumor has began a new stage. I can feel it in my back, it aches sometimes like it is communicating with me. What is it saying? It seems to be teaching me who I really am and what I need to be doing. It swells, aches or recedes as I behave in certain ways. I have some wonderful stories that need to be told. Sometimes I hear them talking among themselves plotting how to escape from my head. Maybe they have found a way to get me to humble myself, take a space of time to rethink what I am going to do. No one is certain that it is going to work, it is so risky--I might die. The tumor continues to respond to food choices, emotions, thoughts. It seems to get better when I act or behave in a certain way and it grows irate when I choose poorly. It's feedback is clear.

Am I Cancer Free?

Most of us get sick with a flu, cold or some other ailment. It has a clear cycle and eventually, we move on. As I continue to juice fresh fruit and vegetables, exercise and monitor a tumor, I ask myself if I still have cancer? The blood tests would report that I have normal levels but there is still a small tissue mass that swells and recedes. As I stay away from processed foods and GMO the tumor continues to recede. You might think it is crazy that I can actually feel a tumor swell when I eat foods that contain GMO but I can say I have enough empirical evidence to ignore your doubt. I won't get in your face and draw skull and crossbones on food items with GMO ingredients. I deal with conflicted feelings. Do I have cancer? I suppose I do. It isn't a disability, it just motivates me to eat healthier, exercise and keep swimming.

My Wall teams with life

I found a few pieces left over from some crafting project. I mounted two apples, 4 bees and 2 dragonflies on my wall. I have both loved and feared bees growing up. I marvel at what they can accomplish. They build a home, collect food and store it and because of their efforts I can enjoy a sandwich made with butter and honey. I love apples. Apples have been a main ingredient in my juicing regimen to shrink a tumor for the past year and a half. I used to climb trees and pick them while green and loved the sour taste and later the sweetest apples ever when they peaked in ripeness. I've watched in wonder as dragonflies buzz by and seen some wonderful aerial acrobatics as they pass to and fro. They are arrayed in so many beautiful colors.

I'm continue to look for things that inspire joy and put it on the wall. I am looking for ladybugs. I admire their strength and beauty. As I continue to organize and tidy my space. I look for how each thing fits in with what I want to do and accomplish. I checked the tumor this morning and it has shifted to left and has receded.

Emoting and Healing from Cancer

For the past few weeks I've felt the need for release, a good cry. The build up, the aching sore feelings that eventually turns into emptiness. I never realized how much sorrow and grieving are a necessary part of healing. It is not possible to feel joy or recognize the tender mercies the good lord has bestowed. I begin to wonder about things I never considered before. I begin to question why I'm still alive and if I should be? I start to think that maybe my role has been spent.

As I ponder and meditate, I've seen a blank wall, the lone hill, the grim reaper, being shot in the heart. I tore down the rest of my dream board and burned it.

Today, I cried a little. Some of the feelings have finally found a way out. It is a good start; I have not lost the battle. The tumor recedes. And yes, I feel angry, a rage that I wish I could dismiss. I work with a frantic energy to purge, to rid myself of anything that is not needed. Sell it, trash it or give it away; it is all a burden.

Ninety-six applications, 12 interviews, 1 offer, 2.5 days work, 1 dismissal, last unemployment check.

On Tidying Up and how it helps treat cancer

One of my biggest struggles with recovery is feeling powerless. I was at the mercy of a treatment plan that nearly killed me. I had to walk away from their treatment plan to survive. I believe that planting a garden, cleaning up the yard, putting my house in order are important steps in my recovery.

I pulled all of my clothing out of the closets, drawers and if something didn't fit right, made me feel embarrassed or brought up unpleasant memories, I discarded it. I filled up two very large heavy duty plastic bags with shirts, socks, pants and other assorted items. Now when I go into the closet, I can get dressed and ready in less than a minute. I no longer have to worry about putting on something that I feel uncomfortable wearing later.

The process gave me hope. I felt empowered to take control of my clothing. This extended to my paperwork. I found that I had piles of papers scattered around the house. My debts have piled up because I am still paying for past cancer treatments. I feel helpless to pay it off since I have failed to procure employment. I was working for a short time but I was dismissed after 2 and a half days! I am struggling with my faith in God, my purpose in life and how I'm going to keep my family fed and housed. As I put myself back together again, putting my house in order has become a top priority.

Bread with a better Aftertaste

I made a loaf of bread with buckwheat, spelt, oat and bread flour. It yielded 3 lbs of dough that I baked into one loaf of bread. The bread tastes unlike anything I have tried before. My initial reaction was yuck, this doesn't taste right but after I swallow, the aftertaste is pleasant. This is different. Usually, it is the other way around!

I do not waste food and since I determined that I hadn't used anything toxic, I determined ways to eat the bread. I mean this is why we have spices right? We eat a lot of things that would not taste good but somehow the right spice can make just about anything taste great.

I cut up the bread into small cubes and added it to a savory mushroom soup. It tastes great with this soup and the strange thing about it is that after eating most of the loaf, I find myself craving it. Despite the strange tastes, this bread has something in it that my body likes. Another benefit of eating this whole grain breads are the effect it has on bowel health. I am passing "text book" perfect stools. I find the bread is satisfying and I don't crave processed food. I have cut down my meat consumption to several ounces per week and feel strong and sturdy in my workouts. I am reminded of the story of Daniel. In the Old Testament, Daniel 1:17, he refused to eat the food from the Kings table and instead ate grains specifically pulse. The results were that he and his friends were "20 And in all matters of wisdom and understanding, that the king inquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that were in all his realm."

I have found that my tumor has continued to shrink and recede as I avoid eating processed foods. I am thinking clearly, and putting my life back in order.

Networking with Utah Valley Leads Connection

Brad invited me to a networking group called Utah Valley Leads Connection. We met in a conference room at Key Bank. This group of entrepreneurs comes together every other week to practice pitching our service in 30 seconds or less, talk to one another one-on-one and listen to a presentation. This week we learned about Estate planning.

After a short lunch, we took a few minutes to talk to one another and learn about which company we represented and exchanged business cards. It is said that "you should start digging a well before you are thirsty." In essence the purpose of building relationships goes far beyond just closing a sale. In building relationships of trust we have a variety of talented professionals to recommend to ourselves and others when a need arises.

This was my first meeting. I enjoyed the opportunity to talk and have some lunch. At the close of the meeting, each member and guests were invited to give a "shout out" about their experience with another member's service. Bret Rosier praised Scot Moran for his Facebook app that allows him to share an interactive business card with all of his contacts. He said that in 2 weeks, he received 10 leads, click to see Bret's business card. An impressive return on investment! A group gathered around Scott as he demonstrated some impressive new ways to connect with new customers using facial recognition technology. He used a smart phone to scan the cover of a magazine, to start an interactive video.

I offer information management services doing business as LogIntuit. As a Senior Technical writer, I have created user manuals, workshop guides, PowerPoint presentations, process guides and more. Check out my linkedin profile here.

Confronting Death

In my meditation time over the past few days, I've been seeing the grim reaper. As I close my eyes and my mind's eye opens I see the grim reaper. He is standing there close watching me. I don't feel any ill will or fear. I'm reminded of times when I approached deer grazing in the field. They will raise their head and look at me curiously and after a time will lower their head to continue pulling up grass.

In the past week, I've noticed that I've seen myself being shot, staring at a hill side and sometimes a blank wall. Am I afraid of death? No, not really but I hate leaving such a mess. I have too many debts unpaid, misunderstood cues taken, lives I might still be able to influence for good.

A few years ago, I was sitting on a chair barely able to breathe. Standing up for 10 seconds was a challenge because I would get dizzy from lack of oxygen. The CT scan results said I either had lung cancer or it was just a side effect from one of the chemo drugs. It left me devastated. The grim reaper was dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging around his neck. It has had an effect on my thinking and cognitive functions as well. I struggle a little with forming a cohesive sentence before the next idea comes barging in and wants to take it's place. The meditation, prayer and quiet time has helped me to bring back the concentration.

Running, swimming or biking for an hour helps to quiet the mind as well. The muscles are aching and soon all I can think about is pushing the next cycle or taking my next breath.

When confronting the prospect of my death, it brought up questions of  what affairs do I need to put in order? What will my wife and kids do when I'm gone? Is there something I forgot to do that will make a difference? The questions centered on what will happen to those I leave more than do I fear the passing into the next life.