Skyrim Fellowship

As part of my recovery process, I have played video games. I do a lot of thinking while working to complete a quest. I created a character in Skyrim that looked a lot like me, and gave him my name, Allen. On this play through, my goal was to play as if I was summoned to the land of Tamriel and play as true to my personal values and beliefs as possible.

I observed the oath of peace as stated in the story of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever:

"Do not hurt where holding is enough;
Do not wound where hurting is enough;
Do not maim where wounding is enough;
and kill not where maiming is enough;
The greatest warrior is he who does not need to kill"

I installed a mod to the game that added characters from the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. I started the quest, "Way of the Voice". I needed to visit a sequestered group of monks called Graybeards. The monastery is located on a mountain peak called High Hrothgar. The path to the monastery consists of 7,000 steps. I was running as fast as I could to avoid wolves and startled pilgrims when I saw a group of adventurers seated around a campfire. It was fun to choose from this venerable company a set of companions.

I asked Merry, Aragorn, and Gandolf to join me. I chose each character for different reasons. I think Merry stole the show in the first Lord of the Rings movie. Like me, he loves fresh vegetables, things that go boom and his curiosity can get him into trouble. I've linked to 3 video clips from YouTube that show Mery absconding some fresh produce from Farmer Maggot, setting off fireworks, and of course that scene with a frustrated Gandolf says "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity."

I chose Gandolf because of his humility and sense of justice. He is a wizard struggling with a mission to complete and even when killed is brought back to fulfill his destiny. His strength is centered in his self-control and mastery of mystic energies that he channels through a staff and the relationships he has forged with dwarves, hobbits, moths and giant Eagles. He is also a brave warrior that can face down balrogs, evil wizards and orcs.

I chose Aragorn because even though he is scorned by his country men, thrown off cliffs, and confused about his destiny, he manages to make good on his promises to Arwen, his elven beloved. He is a strong and cunning fighter who manages to keep hope alive despite the grim outlook at each turn in his quest.

In the game, Merry, Gandolf and Aragon are ready to help me take down enemies that seem to pop up everywhere. Along the trail, I try to sneak past a snow troll but he detects me and usually I have to run. However, with these new friends, I score an easy victory. When facing a difficult situation, always make sure to call on friends to face your enemy.

And then my Doctor Walks by

Five months ago, I started following my wife to her fitness classes at the Provo Rec Center. At first she was a little hesitant about my accompanying her to the Barre class. I realized that this is a "girls club". For example, I once made a comment about how my wife was struggling with that time of the month and one of the ladies chastised me for my insensitive remark saying, we can hold you down while she punches you. I was really careful about talking about anything feminine after that. I showed the instructor, my wife and other participants the utmost respect and I fit in fine. The whispers and comments about a "man" coming to the class quieted down. My strength and flexibility have improved greatly since attending the class three times a week.

Today while we waited, someone walked up to me, extended her hand and said, "you look great!", she smiled and shook my hand. I didn't recognize that this was Lisa Stubbs, my primary care giver! She was the doctor that diagnosed cancer. She stands before me as an attractive and beautiful person and after opening this can of worms this morning that lead to feeling explosive anger and frustration. Can you see the dichotomy? She has a family, works out and really cared. She saw that my life was in peril and she did everything she could to help me. Sending me to the cancer ward was the best she could do at the time. I saw another side of her that I couldn't see when she was dressed in a doctors gown. This experience was a total pattern interrupt!

I want to let go of these feelings. I pray to God to fill my heart with charity, the pure love of Christ. I seek to rise, to overcome despair but the feelings rise up as I relive events. The story that has unfolded over a two year period rushes up like a storm to shake and buffet me. Much like the person suffering from PTSD; I get a little aggressive. The daily workouts help me to put that energy to good use. I also clean the house, the garage, the bathrooms to calm me down and to avoid compounding problems.

Since I was dismissed from a job a few weeks ago, something inside me screams, STEP IT UP! I want to cry but I can't. The tears are locked behind a door while the pressure mounts...

What in the hell is wrong with you?!

Glad you asked. Sometimes I wake up with a persistent belief that I'm going no where and that somehow I don't deserve to be loved. That I'm a coward with no purpose in life. I am swiftly moving down a road to ruination. I have lost some precious parts of myself in a fight to stay alive or at least I believed that when surgeons cut into me.

I'm never allowed to really say what I think, so I write it down in journals and read aloud the latest news. I'm disturbed by my lack of faith in things that I once held so dear. That immutable belief in myself and that I could do anything has been shattered. I pick up the pieces in an attempt to put it all back together again. Now there are too many things to pick up and I'm tired and it takes longer to do most things that were so easy to do before.

Why is my mouth red like I just drank blood? Well you see, that is the juice of beets that I drink to revitalize my kidneys and to shrink a tumor. Oh and did I mention that I still have a large tumor mass in my back? I swear the radiologist just about shit his pants when he looked over my CT scan! Oh and my goodness, the doctor thought I was in immediate peril and had me committed to the cancer ward on the 9th floor. I didn't feel like taking a 10,000 a day room just so they could say, I'm sorry, I really can't help you. *@%! you! You jerks are all about the money. And what about all those organizations that start calling to ask for donations to help pay for cancer treatment? I still can't pay for my own treatment and when I checked I couldn't find any money from them, so **** you too!

March of the Patriarchs

I lay on my Laz-boy chair and I can barely stay awake. I can barely stay conscious as I listen to my mother, sister and aunt converse around me. I feel like I'm dying, it is dark. As my mother gets up to leave the room, my vision opens up to the farm back home in Oregon. The sunshine is streaming down and there is a gentle breeze in the air. I feel tears flowing from my eyes and my mother takes notice and asks if I'm okay. She wonders if I'm sad that she is leaving. I start to narrate what I see.

Tables that are hundreds of feet long are covered with white satin table cloths. There are silver plate settings with delicious foods placed in the center. Seated at the tables are scores of family members spanning generations. The living and the dead meeting together for a grand family reunion. All are dressed in fine linen of the whitest color and softest texture. There is a dais with thrones and standing are men of great knowledge, righteousness and power. Their faces radiate a calm certainty and joy. One is holding a large scroll and another displays small stones of curious texture. They speak with wondrous words that fill my soul with joy. I feel love and a presence that cannot be denied.

When the meal concludes, I look up and notice that the sky is overcast with clouds. As sunlight dims, light comes up from the ground. Everyone gathers in circles of six and dance in a choreographed progression until everyone has faced one another. Words are not spoken but communication is expressed through movement and gestures. There are introductions, life stories, and expressions of love. Each generation is connected to the next with a special reckoning. My heart burns with rapture. I understand answers to many questions. Many share similar struggles and joys. We join together in a long line of associations that enriches our shared experiences. All united in a joyful celebration of love, life and fidelity.

Once the dancing concludes, a reverent hush falls. One of the patriarchs opens a scroll and reads from it aloud. His words are inspiring and fill my heart with pronouncements and admonitions. He shares stories of long ages past, and forgotten lore. A gathering will occur on this land to bring together my family. I bow my head and say a simple prayer, "let it be so."

My Second Wind and Insanity Workout

I have been attending a class at the Provo Recreation Center called Insanity. The program uses a system of interval training that has you work as hard as you can for 3-minute intervals, with 30-second periods of rest in between. The atmosphere is charged with high fives and encouragement from instructors and other participants. Working out to rousing music and the blare of alarms to cue you when it is time to take a break, get some water and wipe the sweat off your face. I lose up to 3 lbs of water during a session!

Felicia Hurst and Dave Borland took me under their wing and have encouraged me to push my limits. I have almost fainted several times from the exertion of the workout. After working out with these instructors I felt safe enough to push right up to the limits of my strength and endurance. As the adrenaline rises, I sometimes see black spots, muscles burn from the exertion and I nearly faint.

However, encouragement sometimes turns to alarm and I have to reassure them that "I'm okay." I understand that this is what it takes to get my lungs to increase their capacity to absorb oxygen. The medical term is volume of oxygen or VO2. When I trained in previous years, I used intense interval training to raise my VO2 to a measured level of 89. Now I feel like I'm probably around 25. I used to run the trails up Mount Timpanogas; two hours up and two hours back down, a 19 mile round trip.

Dave has moved and Felicia has continued leading the charge. Last night was significant because I got my second wind for the first time since I started my post cancer workout rehabilitation. It is a milestone for me. I have only experienced this before when running long distances.

I took two supplements before my workout: Hammer Endurolyte and Race Caps Supreme. These supplements help to reduce muscle fatigue and increase workload capacity. I've been nervous about taking supplements again because of the tumor. I noticed that the tumor had receded last night during the workout and after.

Thanks to Felicia, a beautiful and talented athlete who I respect and admire. She helped me to push through the inertia of depression and despair.

Tidying up the garage

I am tidying up the garage this week, turning out the shelves and throwing away stuff. I usually do this once a year to check on food storage, 72 hour kits and to organize camping equipment, and tools. I haven't done this for two years. It has been a lower priority since my energy levels started to  dwindle. Many projects had to be put on hold.

I often feel powerless; like when I struggled to stand up for 10 seconds because I got dizzy. Gradually, I've been pulling myself together to start making progress and to put my house back in order. The lawn mower will not start. I've taken it apart several times and I believe it is because the gas intake is clogged. I've been digging out tree roots that have now sprouted into 5 foot saplings. I'm chopping out the roots with a pick ax. It has helped me to gauge how well my back has been healing. I installed a lamp next to my wife's side of the bed. It felt good to see her using the lamp, lying comfortably perched under the soft light reading a Ladies Home Journal magazine. It was an easy thing to do but it took me over 15 years to finally get it installed.

I have felt my heartstrings pulled during this ordeal; a mix of anger, sadness, fear that the cancer might be reasserting itself. When I've felt like giving up, I think about how far I've come and start counting my blessings. I have a wife who has supported me through a tough time, three children who are talented, a job that provided short and long term disability benefits. I had time to complete a 12 week round of chemotherapy, undergo surgeries and then recover from a broken back. Daily regimens that require juicing fresh fruits and vegetables, enemas, and physical therapy. Friendly neighbors who offer a listening ear, and help out.

Life on Carterville Park

I live in a great neighborhood. A quiet peaceful place where you know almost everyone's name. There is a spacious park that has pavilions, bar-b-q racks, volleyball net, track, open space for pickup games of football. You see almost everyone at church on Sunday. People care and notice when you are struggling and often offer support and help to keep you going.

Sunday, a kindly couple came to share counsel. They took an hour to come over and share their experiences and how they handled a situation similar to mine. It was comforting and by the time they were to leave, I wanted to give them both a hug. I felt uplifted and inspired. Later in the day, my bishop dropped by for a visit. We pulled up a couple of chairs on the front porch and I talked...a lot. He listened and asked me a few questions like, "Where do you turn for comfort?" I paused a moment and thought about it and I answered that I turned to friends and family. I pointed out that I have some exceptional neighbors. I talked about how grateful I was for many of the kindnesses shown to me and related how I had been able to do the same for many of them as well. I shared that I posted a lot of my feelings on a blog and shared it on Facebook. I mentioned that it was interesting to receive encouragement and comfort from high school friends. I told him how astonished I was at the love and consideration shown to me while I was fighting cancer. There are so many opportunities to do good if we just give ourselves and others a chance. 

Sometimes, we aren't given much of a chance. We start with good intentions to serve in a job and before we do anything, we are kicked out the door. Other times we are minding our own business and someone steals our identity. We all at one time or another get kicked, harassed and embarrassed. My faith in God and his word has been strengthened. We all need something to believe in to make it. I realize how important it is to stay the course, do not despair. Jesus Christ has suffered all things for us and he does not leave us without comfort. I pray, read scriptures, write in a personal journal and above all I talk to friends and family. I hope I'm half as good a listener as I am a talker.