Enjoy Your Job Interview

I had a phone interview with Meridith from NetIQ tthis morning.  I enjoyed the conversation and I found myself thinking, I want to work for this company. It was refreshing to have an interview that didn't feel like I was a contestant on "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"

She asked about my experience working in an Agile development environment and the challenges to integrate a documentation team into this development strategy. Sometimes development has taken Agile to mean we don't need documentation. With a focus on communicating with customers, soliciting feedback in an incremental manner exposes the need for good requirements and "targeted" end user documentation.

Not all features in a software product need to be documented. It makes little sense to have help explaining to a user to enter their user name in a field that is already labeled, "user name". If only we could apply some of this common sense thinking in other areas of life.

Swimming the Lane

My swim was calming and refreshing. Life seems simpler when I start churning through the water completing laps, keeping count. The view of a blue floor and a painted line and others swimming nearby. My mind calmed down, and all I concentrated on was lengthening my legs and kicking consistently. Cramping was kept at bay and my energy levels were stable for the length of the swim. I felt safe again.

Psoas Release to Treat Cancer

I disrobed and lay on the table. Brad asks how my weekend went and I recount some of my adventures taking on the world. How I got chomped in a gate at the Rec center and the increasing levels of fear and feeling "I'm not safe!" He chuckles and listens with empathy. He applies a regimen of Young Living essential oils: Lemon, Lime and Orange on the feet, Lemongrass and Lavender oil on the chest. The oils are soothing and calming and it is a well established anchor that helps me feel secure. As he checks my muscles, he smooths out knots along my calves and thighs. His technique is firm and assuring. Over time, his treatment is much less painful then when I started. I would scream and sometimes cry but now it is a comfortable pain.

Today, he focused on the abdomen, "waking up the root" as he called it. He had me extend my arms and legs to check flexibility; the lower back has made some progress, yes! He performed a psoas muscle release, in which he puts pressure on points along the abdomen to lengthen the muscles. The psoas is an important muscle making it possible to run. It is rope-like muscle found deep in the abdomen and attaches to the spine and connects to the leg. It is joined at the hip by another muscle called the iliacus which travels from hip to thigh. It makes up a powerful hip flexor. A large tumor pressed up against the Psoas muscles.

The psoas is critical for good posture. Along with a coordinated team of core muscles, the psoas helps stabilize the abdominal region. Every time I stand, walk, or run, I'm engaging the psoas. Brad asks me to do the "worm" while laying down on the table. Funny story, at the conclusion of one of my appointments I did a wave like motion on the table like a worm with an impressive display of fluidity. We all laughed. Today my worm was a bit sub par.

My treatment plan includes a daily juice of carrots and apples, green smoothie and a daily workout session. In addition to checking tumor reduction, I have been gauging recovery by noting flexibility and strength. My ongoing sessions with Sports Massage Specialists has been a critical part of my holistic treatment plan. It has been a lot of work over the past year and I'm very happy with the results.

My Dog Walks Me

Jovi is a pure bred beagle. We adopted her about 6 years ago. She has always been a feisty girl, so I've had to be careful to keep her leashed. The past year or so she has mellowed and doesn't care so much for politics and who is in charge. She will steer clear of most encounters and stays close to me. She wakes up early to make sure I go out for a walk every morning. She seems to have it in her head that first light means time to go! It gets me out of bed and and walking or running, she doesn't mind.

Unfortunately, She has also developed a few tumors. It doesn't seem to be causing her any pain but it does make her look a little lop sided when she walks. I give her pieces of carrots to eat as snacks and I make sure to feed her small meals 3 times a day and take her out to walk a mile or two each day. I'm grateful for her patience with me and her quiet determination to make sure I keep exercising.

After the Fear, Comfort

Fear is in me, around me and moves though me. I'm starting to notice that I do not feel safe while working out lately or going to church meetings. The feelings of uncertainty have been growing stronger. As I entered the Rec center today, the gate closed on me. It closed on me like a pincer, the glass panels squeezing me while an alarm sounded. I stood there in disbelief for a moment and then I felt rage. It reinforced the sense of fear that the world is out to get me. I laugh at this paranoia because basically it is true, an accepted fact that the world is a dangerous place. It takes courage and faith to push forward and despite car accidents, being shot, sexually assaulted or contracting a life threatening illness, there is a lot of good in the world too.

I didn't feel safe in the Barre class this morning. Surrounded by a number of people that seem indifferent and cold... I walked home and laid down to rest. I closed my eyes and it felt like someone picked me up and held me like a child. I felt that warm reassurance of love and safety I remember when being held by my mother and father. The cares of the world dropped away. It was a moment of quiet solitude, a small break from fears. God comforts me.

A psalm I wrote:

Oh Jesus,
How do I please you. before the day is gone?
What do I do when the tears won't come,
and to wake to find that you're not there?

I know thou art my redeemer
Thy kind, and loving words,
gives me purpose to live; loves me to the end.
and I know; brings me safely home.

Living with a Tumor

I live with a tumor in my back. It is a tissue mass that was diagnosed as a germ cell from the testicles that migrated up the tubes and implanted in the lower back. I've wondered if I have a couple of extra pair of large testicles growing in my lower back. All those jokes about "growing a pair" and I might just have done that! The tumor mass has receded to the right side and occasionally it will bulge and feels like the top of a golf ball. It serves like a lodestone, it leads me eat better and exercise.

I was on full disability for over a year and started working full time in December but I was laid off near the end of February. I've been applying for at least 4 jobs each week, attending interviews and collecting unemployment. In that time, I've been learning to adjust to a new rhythm of life. I have tended several repairs to the house. I work out an hour each day with my wife. I juice fruit and vegetables and if I need some extra energy, I blend a green smoothie.

The tumor swells and recedes in response to what foods I eat and physical activities. If I choose to eat too much processed foods, it will swell. This puts pressure on my spine around lumbar 1 and 2 vertebrae. The pain can be excruciating. I work out for an hour each day. My goal is to stretch and strengthen muscles in my core, shoulders and back. 

Exercise helps to cleanse lymph nodes, release dopamine and other hormones which helps keep depression away. Swimming helps me to practice controlled breathing and is a form of mediation. The mind goes quiet and soon I've swam a mile and a half and the hour has past. Riding my bicycle allows me to enjoy fresh air and see something new. Running stimulates bone growth, especially in the back. 

My strength and flexibility continue to improve. I struggle with pulling my legs up 90 degrees. In most of my fitness classes such as Barre, the lower back yields a little more each week. I have regained improved posture and I can stand in line at the store for longer than 10 minutes without being in extreme pain.

  

He Wants my Flesh

I have been playing Skrim as myself, controlling an avatar that was summoned to Tamriel to test his mettle. I chose to develop restoration spells, to heal wounds, bolster confidence in others and call to them to battle. I prefer to avoid direct confrontation by developing skills in sneaking around unnoticed. I also developed illusion skills to confuse and misdirect enemies efforts to turn on themselves while I find a suitable vantage point to watch. I chose companions that would help me out when there was really no other option but fight.

I'm a bit of a vigilante at heart. While I sneak around to avoid detection, it is because I simply don't want to have to kill if I don't need to. I can do the job without a lot of mess. In Tamriel, the Dark Brotherhood is a guild of assassins. For a price, someone can perform a ritual called the dark sacrament to send an assassin to eliminate an enemy. In a quest called Innocence lost, an orphaned boy name Aventus Aretino performs the ritual in a desperate attempt to escape a cruel headmistress of the Orphanage.

I wanted to see if I could dissuade Aventus but he wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't an assassin from the Dark Brotherhood. I decided to pay a visit to Grelod the Kind. When I entered the orphanage, I noticed immediately the children were scared and cowed into submission. This head mistress spoke in harsh tones and I heard sounds that suggested physical abuse. When I confronted her about Aventus and his performing the dark sacrament, she struck out at me as if I was the assassin. Ironically, I was just trying to help her but in self defense, I struck back and that was her end.

The children gathered around but didn't seem too upset by what happened. Her hired assistant, Constance is is upset but doesn't report the incident to the guard and simply asks that I leave. I return to Aventus and tell him what happened. He is happy to hear that Grelod is gone.

I got a note a few days later from the Dark Brotherhood with a simple message, "we know". I wake up in a dusty shack the next day. I look up to see an assassin who says her name is Astrid, perched on a beam above me. She tells me why she brought me here and that she has taken three people hostage. She recounts to me that I completed a contract that I wasn't authorized to complete. To make up for this misunderstanding, she asks me to kill one of the hostages. She explains that each person deserves death. This is quite the conundrum because I want to keep my oath of peace; I don't want to kill. However, I know that if I don't kill one of the hostages, I will die. I decide that if I must kill, better to kill the assassin then potentially kill an innocent.

In my view, this was similar to a choice I had to make concerning cancer treatment. Do I undergo surgery to cut off a testicle or risk having the cancer spread to my lungs, heart and brain? I trusted the oncologist and the surgeons recommendation and went ahead with the surgery to fix an inguinal hernia and orcheotomy. The Oncologist insisted that there must be cancer in one or both of the testicles and that this was the only way to treat the cancer. After the test results came back, the tissue was cancer free. Do I trust anything else the oncologist or surgeon has to say?

The next recommended surgery in the treatment plan is to remove the left kidney along with the remaining tissue mass in the back and some lymph nodes and who knows what else? They seemed very greedy in their removal of healthy tissue. When I decide to forgo the surgery, the surgeon tells me that I'm certain to die if I don't follow through with this surgery. I protest, telling him that I am following a protocol of nutrition and cleansing that is reducing the mass and blood tests confirm that the cancer continues to be reduced. He doesn't care. He wants to cut my flesh, remove essential organs and leave me scarred for life with a huge gash running all the way up the front of my body. In addition, the surgery will put me much further into debt. I still haven't paid off all of the treatment I've already undergone. Insurance paid for most of it but I still have a sizable out of pocket to pay.

I'm angry and scared. I don't feel safe in any part of my life. I've been violated, I've been poisoned and I'm weak. I struggle to regain the strength I once had. I parted ways with the surgeon, oncologist and nurse practitioners. The price they demand is too high. Instead I juice beets, carrots, apples, ginger, turmeric and a lemon every day. I blend spinach, kale, apple and assorted frozen fruit into a green smoothie for lunch. I crave junk food and I give into these cravings from time to time. The tumor swells when I do and my energy levels drop. I worry that I'm screwed. I need to condition myself to see some foods for what they truly are, a threat to my health and well being. Dressed in colorful packages with chemically enhanced and genetically modified ingredients that my body can't handle.