The Never Ending Questions

I went through several rounds of interviews with the LDS Riverton Office, waited for 3 months as they strung me along. I had been applying and interviewing every week but no one extended an offer. I started my new role as a Technical Writer and I barely get my workstation set up and was discharged with no clue as to why. I was simply marched to the HR office, given a statement that I didn't fit in and that my employment was terminated. I was then escorted down stairs and pushed out the door. I walked outside to the bus stop. It was 1:00 p.m. and the next bus came at 3:00 p.m. I had no where to go, so I returned through the front doors. I advised the receptionist that the next bus was not due for another 2 hours.

I was rejected, pushed out and told I was NOT welcome here. I wish they had offered some pittance, such as a bottle of water? Maybe suggest I visit the employment resource center that was located near the lobby. Thanks to this event, I may lose my unemployment assistance. I reported in my weekly unemployment filing that I started a job and was discharged. I had to answer questions to the effect that I did nothing illegal and I didn't know why I was discharged and that I don't know what I could have done differently to avoid dismissal.

I feel like I've been rejected by the Church; that I'm not wanted. Another nail driven into the coffin. I feel humiliated.  It has been five months of going deeper into debt in a series of financial setbacks such as a dishonest eBay buyer from Japan who cheated us out of $600 and a dozen other little things. I fear I will lose the house. The stress has caused the tumor to swell. I can feel the tumor ache and there was a distinct loss of heat in the abdominal region. I often feel like giving up, just stop eating. What if I prayed that God take me? I'm reminded of a scene from Forrest Gump with little Jenny kneeling in the corn field pleading, "Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here." I question my purpose. Now I'm tortured with never ending musings on what I did or did not do to fit in or what I could have done differently. It is a kind of hell where I'm stuck in a never ending loop.

Visit to Saltair Great Salt Lake

I visited the Great Salt Lake with my wife and three daughters, Kandace, Amanda and Elena. We went to Saltair, we were the only people on the beach for the first 20 minutes and then were joined by a lot of others who wanted to brave the water too.

I stripped down to my swim jammer and waded out until the water was up to my chest. The lake bed was soft and squishy. I kept thinking of Dory from the movie "Finding Nemo" when she encountered a small jelly fish and called him "squishy". It helped distract me from imagining broken bottles or bones in the lake bed or thinking about the opening scene of the 1990 film "The Giant Brine Shrimp" that was filmed here on the lake.

I waded out with the girls to the buoys. bobbing with the cascade of waves and a pleasant breeze. I was a little nervous, at first. Elena commented how there was no chlorine smell. I advised the girls to not splash, "why dad?" but before I could answer, one of them got a taste of the water and another got water in her eyes. I reassured Amanda to wait a little bit and her tears would wash out the salt. I reminded them that there is no pool side to swim to and to stay close to a "buddy".

The water looked dirty, it has a green and brown hue and it smells strong of brine and "something dead". I leaned back into the water and was pleased to discover that it was true, you really didn't have to "swim" in this water because you float like a cork. I remember being told about this from my older sisters when I was very young. It was fun to float on the water like an otter and watch the clouds pass overhead or study a sailing ship on the horizon. I felt rejuvenated as depressive feelings slipped away. I believe the minerals in the water are healing.

We washed off the salt and sand as best we could at a fresh water station. My hair was caked with salt and I remember something from running marathons: salt is very abrasive. What a relief it was to use fresh water to rinse off! We went to the gift shop and picked up some post cards as souvenirs. I wish I had taken the plunge earlier or even more often over the past 20 years.

On and off the Job

I started a new job in Riverton, Utah. Waking up at 5 am, catching a bus at 6 to Lehi, connecting to to the Front Runner train to Draper and then another bus to Riverton. I walked into the office about 7:23 and waited with three others until 8:10 when someone from HR came for us to start orientation. We gathered in a conference room, and were seated around a table. He introduced himself and welcomed us. He asked us to introduce ourselves and then showed us a video. The video consisted of showing various locations around the world with people smiling and telling a little about their experience working for the Church. The message, "hasten the work", "accountability and transparency" was emphasized.

We watched a boring power point slide show that made sure we understood to dial 611 in case of an emergency instead of 911. We were given a tour of the 1st, second and 4th floors. The building was constructed by Intel and then sold to the Church and the building is huge! A labyrinth of halls with offices and cubicles packed tight. I noticed the lack of any plants or color. It was easy to get lost and the posted maps are difficult to decipher. Each manager arrived to pick up their new hire. I had to wait an additional 10 minutes before my supervisor arrived. The on boarding process was the worst I've ever experienced.

We visited Technical Services on the second floor where I was handed a bag stuffed with a laptop, docking station, keyboard, mouse, power cords and a large box with an external Dell monitor. My supervisor helped me carry that hardware up to my work station. I unpacked everything, pulling components out of plastic wrappers, unwinding twist ties, and connecting cords to the docking station. I had to ask neighbors for help to connect the phone, internet and docking station correctly. I was told to dial 2-HELP to call the help desk when the sound and the external monitor didn't work. Then I had to figure out how to install software such as Office. I had to stop everything I was doing and keep an appointment with my supervisor, a "solutions manager". She was upset when I mentioned that Office wasn't installed on my laptop. She complained that it was going to cost her money from her budget. She emphasized how important it was that I "create value" and start delivering documentation this week. Friday was a holiday, Pioneer Day, and subject matter experts were leaving town to take advantage of the three day weekend.

In another meeting with a "solutions manager" he showed me a help desk application called Service Now. He showed me a list of a dozen MS Word documents and explained that I would need to update the documents after the help desk application was updated next week. He promised to send an email with links to the staging site, and the documents but never did. I was tired and I did my best to restate what he wanted done and wrote some notes, and a list of things to do. I felt thrashed, I still didn't have Office 365, an email client or any tools. I came home around 7pm and fell asleep soon after eating dinner.

I arrived to work my second day at 7:23 am and about 8 am, my supervisor approached my cubicle. She asked me about my assignment. She was upset that I was watching a 20 minute training video that I thought was mandatory. Under pressure, I looked at my notes and everything I wrote didn't make sense. I didn't give her an answer she liked so she got frustrated. I told her I was still installing software to get my workstation working smoothly. I explained it wasn't fair to expect me to start delivering documentation immediately when I didn't have my workstation configured, email working or the documents I was supposed to be working on. I felt terrible and was tempted to just walk away. The confrontation left me shaken and scared she was going to fire me. I could feel the tumor swell a little and my back ached.

The lead technical writer walked in a few minutes later and asked how I was doing? I related my encounter with the supervisor and how I felt terrible and wondered if she was going to dismiss me. He scoffed and simply said that everyone needs to work out their relationship with her. I managed to get Office 365 installed, outlook configured, Lync (an instant chat client) configured and started contacting people with questions. It was easier to send a short text message than risk getting lost! It was frustrating to find names since there are over 1200 people in the list. I had to ask everyone for their first AND last name; please, thank you! I finally finished installing everything and started to configure email accounts with folders. I sent emails to my supervisor advising her of my progress. I asked one of the functional analysts to introduce me to a few more project managers. He led me through the labyrinth and it went well. I took notes and felt prepared to give a better answer to "what are your marching orders?" I scheduled an appointment for Tuesday on the following week.

I took a faster bus/train combination on the way home and found that I had a lot of energy, my wife picked me up and took me to the Provo Rec Center for a Turbo Kick with an Insanity twist since the instructor, Shelby was substitute teacher. I had drank a juice before work and ate a salad for lunch and had the most energy ever during this workout.

The train was late and I ended up arriving late on the third day, at 8:20 am. I finally got a cord that connected the external monitor to the docking station. We had a team meeting and I was introduced to about 20 coworkers. My supervisor almost skipped having everyone introduce themselves because I probably wouldn't remember any names. During the meeting, we talked about requirements for a new application to help with home visits. I noticed that no one took much interest in me as they filed out of the room. I reviewed template and some documents. After lunch in the cafeteria, I visited the gym and stretched out for a few minutes.

When I returned to my desk, I reviewed the Service Now Stage application when the ProKarma agent approached me with someone from HR. She was nervous and asked me to follow her. We entered the HR office, and she announced that the LDS Church didn't feel I was a good fit and my position was terminated immediately. I felt terrible but didn't say anything except to myself. I was escorted back to my desk to collect my items, surrendered my key card and was escorted to the front door. I walked to the curb and realized that I still had 2 hours before the bus would arrive. I returned to the lobby and told the receptionist that I needed to stay here for a little longer since I had no way to get home. I overheard security ask the receptionist, "isn't that the guy we fired today?" I went to the Employment Resources office and talked with a couple of counselors. I was almost reduced tears. It helped to see their reaction when I told them my story. At least I felt a little less like a loser.

I was disappointed with the on boarding process, the lack of empathy and unrealistic expectations. Can you feel the love? NO. I was not given a fair chance to do anything except set up my work station. I do not know why I was terminated and felt abused. I feel depressed and wonder what I did wrong. As I review the situation in my mind, I entertain different possibilities such as my supervisor didn't like me? I feel like giving up.

Suggestions for on-boarding:

• Provision new email accounts to automatically send a set of helpful emails such as
• how to set up your telephone voice mail
• how to log your time on the timekeeping system
• a list of commonly used phone numbers, intranet, and wiki web sites
• a list of abbreviations, jargon specific to the company
• Managers, instead of saying, "Let me know if you need help with anything..." assign someone from the team to help connect the workstation, phone and internet services
• Provide a simplified map to the restroom, elevator/stairs and exits in case a fire alarm goes off

 Suggestions for off-boarding:

• Ask if there is transportation available at the time of exit
• Offer a bottle of water (mouth goes dry from being stressed)
• Suggest readily available resources for help with finding new employment

What I learned from Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Humpty Dumpty and Alice. From Through the Looking-Glass. Illustration by John Tenniel.

The wall represents pride and as the saying goes, pride comes before the fall. The anthropomorphic egg represents how fragile life really is. We are only a few breaths away from eternity. All of the king's horses and all the king's men represents all of the medical practitioners. Here is my rewritten version of this nursery rhyme:

Humpty Dumpty ran on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
And all the doctors and all the nurses
couldn't put Humpty together again


Humpty Dumpty did not despair
Humpty Dumpty fell into prayer
All of Gods grace, and so much faith
helped put Humpty back together again.

After chemotherapy, the tumor had receded to a much smaller size and shape. I had blood tests every few weeks at first and then the interval went to 6 weeks. The surgeon delayed the surgery to consult with other oncologists and surgeons at a conference. He told us that my case was unusual and that the indicators didn't seem to be dropping as fast as the clinical model he consulted said it should.

One  of the concerns I have with medical practice is the rigid adherence to following a clinical model. They rely on clinical trials performed previously and follow a treatment plan that matches the model. The oncologist was troubled when I did anything that varied from their treatment plan. For example, when my white blood cell counts (neutrophils) dropped too low, treatment would be delayed. There was a high risk of infection. One treatment option to bring the white blood cell count back up was to receive a blood transfusion. I didn't want a blood transfusion. I was afraid that I might get something more than some more white blood cells. I know the risk was low. I told the oncologist that I was going to consume 4-8 TBS of chlorophyll per day. He didn't know what chlorophyll was or the benefits of chlorophyll. The oncologist was worried that this might interfere with the chemotherapy treatment. Chlorophyll is why plants are green. Chlorophyll is what absorbs energy from the sun to facilitate photosynthesis in plants. chlorophyll is similar in composition to that of human blood, with one difference; the central atom in chlorophyll is magnesium, while iron is central in human blood. I believed that chlorophyll would help stimulate the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. It seemed to work since over a weekend, I would recover sufficiently to continue treatment.

The treatment plan didn't address some of the other issues that had arisen. I had terrible back pain. I complained of this pain everyone but no one offered any explanation and frankly, I don't think they even cared. Each practitioner looks at the same CT scan and only sees what is relevant to them. It annoyed me that I had to go see an Orthopedic surgeon to be told that the Lumbar 1 and 2 vertebrae had lost height, one had lost 75% and the other 50%. I was flabbergasted and upset that several surgeons, oncologists, and others had failed to mention that fact. They simply didn't really care that I was in severe pain because of a condition unrelated to the cancer. But wait, the condition was caused by the tumor crushing the vertebrae and the chemotherapy had made it worse. My shoulders were rounding and I couldn't stand up straight. My arms and shoulders were a mess. It was getting to be difficult to walk.

Humpty Dumpty was not being put together again.

Champions Made Here

Happy 4th of July. I am feeling pretty good today. I went to visit a parade in down town Provo and watched two of my daughters march in the Provo High Band. Amanda was playing trombone and Elena was playing a Tenor Sax. It was overcast so the temperature was mild and pleasant. 

I am working out almost every day of the week. I started attending work out classes with my wife at the Provo Recreation Center. One of the classes is called "Insanity". I was a little nervous at first but figured I could just do the best I could and hope for the best! The class is well attended and the program is simple: using your own body weight for resistance, you perform a series of 4 exercise for 30 seconds each in a block. Once you complete a block, you repeat the block 3 times. There is a 30-second periods of rest in between. The idea is to increase your aerobic fitness level while burning fat.The room is packed with people and it seems like I sweat more in this class than any other. I found that I will lose about 3 lbs of water weight!

A few weeks ago, one of the instructors spot lighted my wife and I and gave us a nice t-shirt with the words: Champions Made Here. I like the sound of that.